Andy Borowitz Quotes
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Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.
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Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.
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Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
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Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
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As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.
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NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.
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The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps; and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.
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US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.
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I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
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Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people"
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Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.
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It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest.
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The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.
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Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
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A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.
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The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it was long overdue.
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The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
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White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a story published today in "Duh" magazine.
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A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten.
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All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.
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Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.
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The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.
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If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them
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Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.
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Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
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Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.
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You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.
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To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.
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Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'
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It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
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