Andy Kindler Quotes

On this page you can find the TOP of Andy Kindler's best quotes! We hope you will find some sayings from Comedian Andy Kindler's in our collection, which will inspire you to new achievements! There are currently 62 quotes on this page collected since October 16, 1956! Share our collection of quotes with your friends on social media so that they can find something to inspire them!
All quotes by Andy Kindler: Comedy more...
  • President Obama. He is the man. I've tried the rest, and he is the best. My dream is for him to appoint me to be the Secretary of Humor. My first act will be to make whatever Larry the Cable Guy is doing illegal.

  • I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?

  • I get some acting jobs. I like it other than the constant slipping in and out of character.

  • I believe at the end of my career I'll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.

  • I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust.

  • I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on - the summer or something like that - but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.

  • I do have insecurities. I don't know if you can tell. I'm not brimming with confidence.

  • I actually performed at an orthodox Jewish wedding, where the men were separated from the women, but they both came together to not enjoy what I was talking about.

  • I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this.

  • Pixar has announced Larry the Cable Guy will be starring in Cars 3 thru 6. Howie Mandel will be playing his sidekick, Mopey the Moped.

  • Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it's the funniest.

  • Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn't find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole.

  • Why does Louis CK get named Comedy Person of the Year? I should be named Comedy Person of the Year just so I can parlay it into another few weeks of road work.

  • The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said 'get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.

  • You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

    People  
  • Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

  • BJ Novak gets the Perseverance Award for graduating from Harvard and being unemployed for the entire plane ride to Los Angeles.

  • My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

  • George Lopez has to get a physical comedy checkup every year to make sure his bulging eyes don't get out of control... Good news George... you are humor free! There's no sign of comedy anywhere in your blood stream.

  • My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

  • I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen's show and were disappointed. That didn't seem very organized! That guy's all over the map!

    People  
  • Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

  • I was in Philadelphia - a very angry town, Philadelphia. I've never seen a town like this. It's supposed to be the City of Brotherly Love - like when my brother was 12 and I was nine, and he would lean on my shoulder and dangle spit in my face.

  • Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

  • Kevin James is going to do a couple of specials. One's called It's Getting Muggy In Here.

  • Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch.

  • I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar.

  • My friend taught me this one. You take the heel of your hand, you can shove someone's nose right through their brain. I can't even watch someone blow their nose. If I'm in a fight, I'm not gonna be shoving or poking, I'm gonna be running or begging - that's my two choices, right there.

  • I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember - I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah. It was over when I was done.

  • If I don't believe in Jesus, maybe I don't believe in Hell. Did you ever think of that? You're so excited about it, why don't you go to Hell? It's your concept; you invented it.

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  • We hope you have found the saying you were looking for in our collection! At the moment, we have collected 62 quotes from the Comedian Andy Kindler, starting from October 16, 1956! We periodically replenish our collection so that visitors of our website can always find inspirational quotes by authors from all over the world! Come back to us again!
    Andy Kindler quotes about: Comedy