Art Buchwald Quotes
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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Every once in a while your world stands still... There are certain friendships that are so important they leave a mark on you long after the person is gone.
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I just don't want to die the same day Castro dies
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two. Consequently every big story gets the same play and comes across to the viewer as a really big, scary one.
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Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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I don't know whether this is the best of times or the worst of times, but I assure you it's the only time you've got. You can either sit on your expletive deleted or pick a daisy.
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Writers are funny about reviews: when they get a good one they ignore it-- but when they get a bad review they never forget it. Every writer I know is the same way: you get a hundred good reviews, and one bad, andyou remember only the bad. For years, you go on and fantasize about the reviewer who didn't like your book; you imagine him as a jerk, a wife-beater, a real ogre. And, in the meantime, the reviewer has forgotten all about the whole thing. But, twenty years later, the writer still remembers that one bad review.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, "I am not a crook." Jimmy Carter says, "I have lusted after women in my heart." President Reagan says, "I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope."
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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I know it's very egocentric to believe that someone is put on Earth for a reason. In my case, I like to think I was.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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