Aziz Ansari Quotes
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I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.
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Oh, what's this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I'm walking on red carpet.
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I spend so much time on the Internet...I feel like I'm a million pages into the worst book ever, and I'm never going to stop reading.
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Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing with Nick Cannon. Which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer, or something, which I think was Shakespeare.
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Everyone just did what their parents did. So that immediately made me skeptical of the whole religion thing, even as a kid. So I never was really into religion as a concept.
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If you look up feminist in the dictionary, it just means someone who believes men and women have equal rights.
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Writing your own jokes, you just kind of keep working on something until you think it might work, and then you try it out and hope for the best.
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Instead of yelling your opinion, or telling people to shut up, or engaging in this clickbait-internet culture, have a dialogue with someone and ask people questions and listen to what they have to say.
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Aren't you scared your kid's getting kidnapped...RIGHT NOW?
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I just think it's sad that the main places in our culture that we designate to meet new people are bars and nightclubs.
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I'm so jealous of people who have crushes on people they go to school with, or work with. That's such a blessing. You actually get to see them all the time and spend time with them.
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Once you become a comedian, you accept that people are just going to yell stuff at you.
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I like the brand Band of Outsiders. Their suits are cut really slim, for smaller framed gentlemen.
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Stand-up comedy is a raunchy profession.
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I think absurdist humor is funny.
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I have an amazing metabolism. I'm sure that'll be gone one day. But I like to exercise, too, so I don't think I'll ever get really fat.
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If someone writes something shitty and you actually address them, most of the time they're just like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm a big fan." And they're really nice people. When you're on the Internet, it's people's first instinct to just go after people.
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Come cook food with me and do nothing.
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Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.
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I'm kind of obsessed with food. I like to eat.
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Fiddling knobs, touching keys, having fun with a full grown man.
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One of my life goals is to be a best man. It's a baller position. You get drunk, you make speeches, and you make love to the prettiest bridesmaid, usually standing from behind.
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So many gay jokes tonight about (James) Franco. Apparently if you're clean, well dressed and mildly cultured, you're super gay now. Is that why the rest of you guys are so aggressively fat and dirty? You think if you read one book and take a shower, dicks are going to just fly into your face.
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I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to 'cause then there's more room for me on the low road.
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If you believe that men and women have equal rights, if someone asks if you're feminist, you have to say yes because that is how words work.
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I'm an optimist - I feel like an amazing part of life is that at any moment.
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If it's possible, I binge. There are other shows, like 'The Americans' and 'Game of Thrones,' I watch and have to wait a week.
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To be honest, I tend to romanticize the past, and though I appreciate all the conveniences of modern life, sometimes I yearn for simpler times.
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Comedians don't have hits. You have to have a whole brand-new hour. You have no hits to rely on.
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I'm the kind of person, if I see something, like a funny video, I want to share it. With Twitter and Tumblr you can do that on a mass scale, and people get to know your personality.
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