Carol Leifer Quotes

On this page you can find the TOP of Carol Leifer's best quotes! We hope you will find some sayings from Comedian Carol Leifer's in our collection, which will inspire you to new achievements! There are currently 52 quotes on this page collected since July 27, 1956! Share our collection of quotes with your friends on social media so that they can find something to inspire them!
All quotes by Carol Leifer: Comedy Fathers Funny Philosophy more...
  • Obviously, at this age, I've lost people in my life. But with a parent, it's just different. I was very attached to my father and had this naive little-girl notion that he'd always be around. So I'm finding acceptance of my father's death is the hardest thing to accept.

    "When You Lie About Your Age, the Terrorists Win". Book by Carol Leifer, www.today.com. March 2009.
  • I was watching Maury Povich the other day. He had these people on who say that they've had near death experiences. Do you ever notice they always say the same thing? 'I remember seeing this really bright, white light.' It's like, of course, you pinhead, it's the paramedic looking in your pupils with a penlight.

  • Some people have their marriages annulled, which means they never existed. Boy, talk about denial! What do you say when people see your wedding album? 'Oh that was just some play I was in.

  • Women, stop buying the lingerie. Stop buying it right now. Oh, it's a big rip off. Oh my god, $18 bucks for panties this big? Come on, one trip through the dryer, and it's a frilly bookmark.

  • I suddenly had this really mad desire to have an affair with a woman. I was divorced. I was childless. I figured there's got to be one more way to really tick off my mom.

  • When you're single again, at the beginning you're very optimistic and you say, 'I want to meet someone who's really smart, really sweet, really sensitive.' And six months later you're like, 'Lord, any mammal with a day job.

  • Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location.

    Carol Leifer (2009). “When You Lie About Your Age, the Terrorists Win: Reflections on Looking in the Mirror”, p.10, Villard
  • Long Island - if you're from out of town, how would I describe it? Well, every girl in my neighborhood looked like Kenny G.

  • My kind of gay, meeting a woman and falling in love, is a different experience because it wasn't anything about 'Oh, I've always been gay and I'm breaking the chains.

  • I cried when I turned 34 for no other reason than 34 sounded old to me at the time.

  • Stand-up comedy - I love this job, and I gotta tell you, folks - knock wood - it's been working. 'Cause I was one of those kind of people, even when I had a regular job, I couldn't even call in sick right. You know, I was like, 'Hello? Yeah, I can't come in today. I have scurvy.

  • Time flies, though, huh? But I feel young. And do you know how I stay feeling young, ladies and gentlemen? I'll share my secret with you: I live in a senior citizen retirement community.

  • Oh, this is fun - went to a nude beach for the first time. Yeah, that's what I thought. You ever been to a nude beach? Thought it would be all sexy and hot. Oh my God, what a flubber fest! Everybody who shouldn't be naked is naked - didn't make me want to take off my clothes, made me want to take out my contacts.

  • When you lie about your age, the terrorists win.

    "Carol Leifer on auditioning for Larry David, writing for SNL, and more". Interview with Will Harris, tv.avclub.com. April 25, 2014.
  • I feel I've always got to keep my stand-up because I never want to lose it.

  • You know what kills me about Jennifer Lopez? The fact that this woman wakes up one day and she's like, 'You know what? From now on, I'd like people to call me J-Lo,' and then they do it. Only a celebrity can get away with this. George Bush doesn't come out for his morning press conferences: 'From now on, I'd like to be referred to as G-Bu. Y'all know my vice president, Dog Chain.

  • Animal experiments are no joke. Thank goodness scientists are finding better, more humane ways to develop treatments for cancer and other killer diseases.

  • I always say to women, 'Take advantage of the fact that you're in the minority, don't see it as a disadvantage. You're that much more unique when there's fewer of you.

  • My kind of gay is like the late-breaking-lesbian kind of gay.

    Gay  
  • I think what I would say to my younger self, and probably to younger, just starting-out writers is that a lot of times you're just afraid to put yourself out there, and it's uncomfortable because it's working up the courage to do something, to push yourself to do those things.

    "The One Woman You MUST Know About Before Watching the Oscars This Sunday. (Hint: She's Known as the Real "Elaine" on Seinfeld!)". Interview with Jessica Radloff, www.glamour.com. February 24, 2012.
  • I was over there in Hawaii. I was there on the big island. The 'Big Island' - that name cracks me up. First of all, it's not that big, so I'm pretty sure a guy came up with that name.

  • My father was a really funny guy. He lived a good long life. And he was the reason I wanted to be funny and become a comedian and a comedy writer, so to say that he's somewhat of a mythic figure in my life would be an understatement.

    Carol Leifer (2009). “When You Lie About Your Age, the Terrorists Win: Reflections on Looking in the Mirror”, p.3, Villard
  • Been thinking about having a baby. But if I want to do it, I'd have to do it soon 'cause it's getting near closing time. The clock is ticking. My gynecologist said, if I wanted to have a baby, I would have to do it - the latest - by the ended of this show.

  • I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

  • As a writer, the worst thing you can do is work in an environment of fear of rejection.

  • When do we put on the lingerie? Always at the beginning of the relationship - first couple of months, strutting around the bedroom wearing a teddy. Yeah, six months later, you've stopped shaving your legs and you look like a teddy.

  • There are so many opportunities that I could've gotten before if I had just took a little more of a risk.

    "The One Woman You MUST Know About Before Watching the Oscars This Sunday. (Hint: She's Known as the Real 'Elaine' on Seinfeld!)" by Jessica Radloff, www.glamour.com. February 24, 2012.
  • They're all sources of material. What I love about what I do, the more you talk about your life, there are so many people who have similar experiences.

  • My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it,'

  • My stand-up act is very clean.

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  • We hope you have found the saying you were looking for in our collection! At the moment, we have collected 52 quotes from the Comedian Carol Leifer, starting from July 27, 1956! We periodically replenish our collection so that visitors of our website can always find inspirational quotes by authors from all over the world! Come back to us again!
    Carol Leifer quotes about: Comedy Fathers Funny Philosophy