Conan O'Brien Quotes

• A new report reveals that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spent over $82,000 on food at NFL games. Christie said, 'Hey, both of those games went into overtime.'

  Conan O'Brien

  2485

• According to new statistics, Pope Francis is the most talked about person on the Internet. And not only that, he has the most viewed profile on Christian Mingle.

  Conan O'Brien

  728

• It has been reported that Rudolph Giuliani has trademarked the name 'Rudolph Giuliani' so other candidates can't use his name in negative campaign ads. ... For similar reasons, Hillary Clinton has trademarked the words 'ballbuster,' 'castrater,' and 'nutcruncher.'

  Conan O'Brien

  Names  

  4173

• One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession.

  Conan O'Brien

  Honorary Degree Recipient Conan O'Brien's Commencement Address to Dartmouth College Graduates, www.dartmouth.edu. 2011.

  3973

• North Korea threatened to launch a missile at South Korea. North Korea backed down after South Korea threatened to launch a sequel to 'Gangnam Style.'

  Conan O'Brien

  2601

• President Obama has appointed a new head of the Secret Service. The new Secret Service director was so excited that he jumped over the White House fence for joy.

  Conan O'Brien

  1311

• Donald Trump called George W. Bush 'the worst president in the history of the United States.' Then he added, 'Until, of course, I'm elected.'

  Conan O'Brien

  3532

• I have an abacus at home.

  Conan O'Brien

  2164

• Prince William's pregnant wife, Kate Middleton, is past her due date. Doctors may have to induce labor. To speed up the birth, doctors have been telling the baby, 'Come on out. You will never have to work a day in your life.'

  Conan O'Brien

  4591

• President Obama says he will not support a healthcare plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option.

  Conan O'Brien

  3567

• Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country.

  Conan O'Brien

  Running  

  1624

• Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to 'The Terminator.' In this one he travels back in time and kills the person who suggested he run for governor.

  Conan O'Brien

  Running  

  3228

• Tough times for Martha Stewart. Yesterday, Martha Stewart reported to her parole officer and had to take a mandatory urine test for cocaine and marijuana. Martha was found to be drug-free and her urine was found to be a lovely yellow saffron.

  Conan O'Brien

  2450

• Gary Busey said on the Today Show yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen.

  Conan O'Brien

  5018

• The hackers who hacked into Sony have leaked the upcoming script for the new James Bond movie. Some of the executives said the news left them shaken but not stirred.

  Conan O'Brien

  3186

• Presidential candidate Donald Trump had a meeting with Ted Cruz. He said he does not know why he agreed to fly to New York to meet Ted Cruz and then he promised to bring that kind of leadership to the Oval Office.

  Conan O'Brien

  460

• The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?'

  Conan O'Brien

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  698

• The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.

  Conan O'Brien

  4058

• Arnold Schwarzenegger is in some trouble. Today, the Los Angeles Times broke a story that quoted six women who claimed that Arnold Schwarzenegger sexually harassed them. When asked about it, President Clinton said 'six? That's not enough experience to be governor.'

  Conan O'Brien

  2743

• Saudi Arabia's first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a head scarf. The Saudi woman said she was thrilled about the ruling all she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics.

  Conan O'Brien

  1823

• North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has been awarded the highest rank in the country's military. The decision was praised by everyone from Parliamentary leader Kim Jong Un to opposition leader Kim Jong Un.

  Conan O'Brien

  4921

• Some scientists want to replace the handshake with the fist bump. Others want to replace the fist bump with the 'tush push.'

  Conan O'Brien

  Twitter post from Sep 09, 2014

  2924

• In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.

  Conan O'Brien

  885

• The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company's low profits on Obamacare - which is odd because most people won't eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance.

  Conan O'Brien

  4238

• Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property.

  Conan O'Brien

  2412

• Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans.

  Conan O'Brien

  2232

• Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race. When asked what went wrong, Perry said, I guess America is not ready to elect a dumb guy from Texas. But in time.

  Conan O'Brien

  3617

• Taco Bell is going to start selling nachos and chicken nuggets wrapped in a tortilla. In other words, thank God we're going to keep Obamacare.

  Conan O'Brien

  1105

• In the Year 2000 the discovery of extraterrestrial life will create a revolution in science, art, and pornography.

  Conan O'Brien

  4700

• During last night's Republican debate, Mike Huckabee got a big laugh when he said that Congress has been spending money like John Edwards at a beauty salon. Then Huckabee got an even bigger laugh when he said he's running for president

  Conan O'Brien

  Running  

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