Craig Ferguson Quotes

On this page you can find the TOP of Craig Ferguson's best quotes! We hope you will find some sayings from Talk show host Craig Ferguson's in our collection, which will inspire you to new achievements! There are currently 391 quotes on this page collected since May 17, 1962! Share our collection of quotes with your friends on social media so that they can find something to inspire them!
  • There's something I believe wholeheartedly: Cynicism is the true refuge of the pseudo-intellectual, .. Cynicism is easy. Joy is an extremely advanced spiritual and intellectual tenet.

  • School did give me one of the greatest gifts of my life, though. I learned how to read, and for that I remain thankful. I would have died otherwise. As soon as I was able, I read, alone. Under the covers with a flashlight or in my corner of the attic—I sought solace in books. It was from books that I started to get an inkling of the kinds of assholes I was dealing with. I found allies too, in books, characters my age who were going through or had triumphed against the same bullshit.

  • I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It's 12:30 at night, you don't want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.

  • I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk.

  • Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.

  • Fraser's mother, Janice, was actually quite a happy soul but she had to hide it because, like all pseudo intellectuals, she thought being cheery made her look stupid, which of course she was for believing that rubbish in the first place. She like to talk about Sartre sometimes, just as insurance.

    Craig Ferguson (2010). “Between the Bridge and the River: A Novel”, p.27, Chronicle Books
  • He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly-headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs.

  • The Universe is very, very big.

  • The virus in the movie 'Contagion' is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I'm talking about President Obama.

  • Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell said recently that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they're doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. And I thought, 'Have fun in Congress then.

  • Halloween's eve is also known as mischief night. Kids are supposed go around playing pranks tonight. That's great, just what teenagers need -- another excuse to be jerks.

  • Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.

  • I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.

  • If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

  • I wanted to be a rock star.

  • He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.

  • ...slow down and self-edit and ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything: "Does this need to be said?" "Does this need to be said by me?" "Does this need to be said by me now?"

  • Don't protest outside of a rich man's house in the daytime, you'll just scare the maid, and that's Arnold Schwarzenegger's job.

  • I'm always a bit shy around evil people.

    Craig Ferguson (2009). “American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot”, p.3, Harper Collins
  • Valentine's Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other tofu-shaped boxes filled with bean curd. Then they fantasize about what their Pilates instructor would be like if he was straight.

  • These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.

  • The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.

  • Laughter separates us from despair and gives us a chance at love.

    "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson", 2005-2014.
  • I don't know much about the Supreme Court. If it's anything like the Supreme Taco, it's like a regular court, but with extra sour cream.

  • Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.

    "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson", www.imdb.com. 2005-2015.
  • Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office... You mean the one on the sofa?

  • Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago.

  • I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.

  • The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.

  • I only like sports that Bond villains played.

    "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson". www.imdb.com. 2005-2015.
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  • We hope you have found the saying you were looking for in our collection! At the moment, we have collected 391 quotes from the Talk show host Craig Ferguson, starting from May 17, 1962! We periodically replenish our collection so that visitors of our website can always find inspirational quotes by authors from all over the world! Come back to us again!