Craig Ferguson Quotes

• There's something I believe wholeheartedly: Cynicism is the true refuge of the pseudo-intellectual, .. Cynicism is easy. Joy is an extremely advanced spiritual and intellectual tenet.

  Craig Ferguson

  5192

• School did give me one of the greatest gifts of my life, though. I learned how to read, and for that I remain thankful. I would have died otherwise. As soon as I was able, I read, alone. Under the covers with a flashlight or in my corner of the attic—I sought solace in books. It was from books that I started to get an inkling of the kinds of assholes I was dealing with. I found allies too, in books, characters my age who were going through or had triumphed against the same bullshit.

  Craig Ferguson

  2208

• I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It's 12:30 at night, you don't want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.

  Craig Ferguson

  2008

• I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk.

  Craig Ferguson

  4384

• Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.

  Craig Ferguson

  Funny  

  675

• Fraser's mother, Janice, was actually quite a happy soul but she had to hide it because, like all pseudo intellectuals, she thought being cheery made her look stupid, which of course she was for believing that rubbish in the first place. She like to talk about Sartre sometimes, just as insurance.

  Craig Ferguson

  Craig Ferguson (2010). “Between the Bridge and the River: A Novel”, p.27, Chronicle Books

  5115

• He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly-headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs.

  Craig Ferguson

  4576

• The Universe is very, very big.

  Craig Ferguson

  2469

• The virus in the movie 'Contagion' is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I'm talking about President Obama.

  Craig Ferguson

  547

• Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell said recently that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they're doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. And I thought, 'Have fun in Congress then.

  Craig Ferguson

  Sex  

  851

• Halloween's eve is also known as mischief night. Kids are supposed go around playing pranks tonight. That's great, just what teenagers need -- another excuse to be jerks.

  Craig Ferguson

  5131

• Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.

  Craig Ferguson

  Funny  

  4527

• I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.

  Craig Ferguson

  3350

• If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

  Craig Ferguson

  Funny  

  2378

• I wanted to be a rock star.

  Craig Ferguson

  3046

• He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.

  Craig Ferguson

  2331

• ...slow down and self-edit and ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything: "Does this need to be said?" "Does this need to be said by me?" "Does this need to be said by me now?"

  Craig Ferguson

  5158

• Don't protest outside of a rich man's house in the daytime, you'll just scare the maid, and that's Arnold Schwarzenegger's job.

  Craig Ferguson

  4470

• I'm always a bit shy around evil people.

  Craig Ferguson

  Craig Ferguson (2009). “American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot”, p.3, Harper Collins

  2698

• Valentine's Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other tofu-shaped boxes filled with bean curd. Then they fantasize about what their Pilates instructor would be like if he was straight.

  Craig Ferguson

  790

• These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.

  Craig Ferguson

  2883

• The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.

  Craig Ferguson

  1562

• Laughter separates us from despair and gives us a chance at love.

  Craig Ferguson

  "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson", 2005-2014.

  2383

• I don't know much about the Supreme Court. If it's anything like the Supreme Taco, it's like a regular court, but with extra sour cream.

  Craig Ferguson

  693

• Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.

  Craig Ferguson

  Funny  

  "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson", www.imdb.com. 2005-2015.

  4150

• Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office... You mean the one on the sofa?

  Craig Ferguson

  3831

• Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago.

  Craig Ferguson

  2970

• I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.

  Craig Ferguson

  Funny  

  5196

• The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.

  Craig Ferguson

  3924

• I only like sports that Bond villains played.

  Craig Ferguson

  Funny  

  "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson". www.imdb.com. 2005-2015.

  4556

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