Craig Kilborn Quotes

• The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have that? It's called Fox News.

  Craig Kilborn

  Taken   Swings   News  

  4842

• John Kerry announced his plan for how to handle those poor naked prisoners. His wife is going to buy them all a $1,000 Armani suit.

  Craig Kilborn

  Wife   Suits   Naked  

  4933

• I lived in a studio apartment until my mid-30s. I don't have an extravagant lifestyle.

  Craig Kilborn

  Lifestyle   Apartment   Studios  

  2676

• President Bush is not fazed by other candidates' war records. He said, I may have not fought in Vietnam, but I created one.

  Craig Kilborn

  War   President   Vietnam  

  3614

• New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut.

  Craig Kilborn

  Cutting   Giving   Rumor  

  682

• There are 300,000 new jobs and Bush said he's confused, 'Can I take credit for good news that I didn't even make up?'

  Craig Kilborn

  Jobs   Confused   New Job  

  2635

• The places I've worked in the past, I always stayed three years and moved on.

  Craig Kilborn

  Past   Years   Moved On  

  645

• I enjoyed retirement the right way linguine con vongole, red wine and plenty of truffle cheese.

  Craig Kilborn

  Retirement   Wine   Red  

  279

• George W. Bush even stopped in Pennsylvania to try his hand at the lotto and gave up when he could only think of the numbers 4 and 17

  Craig Kilborn

  Thinking   Hands   Numbers  

  4423

• There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'

  Craig Kilborn

  Dollars   Moments   Embarrassing  

  4571

• People here in Los Angeles are disgusted now about a sex scandal involving Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently for seven years, he carried on a sexual relationship with his own wife.

  Craig Kilborn

  Sex   Years   People  

  5172

• The big political news, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's running for governor of California, and already, people are chanting, 'Four more vowels, four more vowels.

  Craig Kilborn

  Running   California   People  

  4065

• Hillary Clinton has finished writing her book where she says her marriage couldn't be stronger, and Bill just finished his book titled 'Chicks I Nailed While Hillary was Writing Her Book.'

  Craig Kilborn

  Book   Writing   Stronger  

  3034

• You may have heard this, that NASA discovered water on Mars When he heard about the water on Mars, President Bush said, 'Is it regular or unleaded?'

  Craig Kilborn

  Water   President   Mars  

  2435

• Bush said the unemployment situation is turning around. Last week alone, 5,000 people started working for John Kerry.

  Craig Kilborn

  People   Unemployment   Lasts  

  1088

• With Iraq plunging into chaos and gas prices at record highs President Bush took time out this weekend for a ride on his bicycle, but unfortunately he fell off and sustained cuts to his face and hands. Apparently Bush was distracted by the enormous responsibilities of the presidency. I'm just kidding. He hit some gravel or something.

  Craig Kilborn

  Responsibility   Cutting   Weekend  

  2945

• Ironically, the possibility that the president dodged his military service has increased his approval ratings with Democrats by 80 percent.

  Craig Kilborn

  Military   Approval Rating   President  

  3536

• My brother asked me once, 'Are you a misanthrope?' And I said, 'No, I just find people irritating.'

  Craig Kilborn

  Brother   People   Misanthrope  

  1414

• As fighting in Iraq intensifies, President Bush delivered his supplemental war budget to Congress. The money will cover 30 days of fighting, then we'll be sent one war every other month until we cancel our subscription.

  Craig Kilborn

  War   Fighting   Iraq  

  4588

• As the Democrats get revved up at their convention in Boston, President Bush is fighting back the only way he knows how: by going on vacation! Ah, it's nice to take a rest, replenish your supply of smirks. The vacation was expected, because Bush traditionally takes a month off every summer to relax and avoid reading National Security Warnings.

  Craig Kilborn

  Summer   Nice   Reading  

  389

• If loving you is wrong, then I'll just like you a whole bunch!

  Craig Kilborn

  Love   Dream   Loving You  

  721

• In Massachusetts, scientists have created the first human clone. The bad thing is that in thirty years, the clone will still be depressed because the Boston Red Sox will still have not won a World Series.

  Craig Kilborn

  Boston   Years   Massachusetts  

  982

• Clinton said he feels safe in Harlem. It's the only place in the state Hillary is scared to look for him after dark.

  Craig Kilborn

  Dark   Looks   Safe  

  274

• Our top story, in 'Threat Matrix Reloaded' news ... Attorney General John Ashcroft and FBI Director Robert Muller held a press conference today to announce that Al Qaeda is planning attacks somewhere inside the United States at sometime in the future. So go about your normal lives, but with a vague sense of foreboding.

  Craig Kilborn

  Directors   United States   News  

  2100

• Maria Shriver is credited with helping Arnold win by standing by him despite allegations of groping. She had to stand by him cause Arnold had a vice grip on her left ass cheek.

  Craig Kilborn

  Winning   Vices   Causes  

  4065

• Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch.

  Craig Kilborn

  Cutting   Night   Broken  

  593

• It's not a big part, ... I wheel in an ultrasound machine and say to Taylor's gynecologist, 'If you have a problem with it, just give it a light tap on the side.' Then they hand me a urine sample, and I put it up to the light and say 'Hmm, looks pretty healthy, but I'll check.'

  Craig Kilborn

  Light   Hands   Ultrasounds  

  3921

• I think mankind is overly sensitive, very needy, greedy, and flawed.

  Craig Kilborn

  Thinking   Greedy   Sensitive  

  4644

• Or as hockey player Sergei Fedorov knows it, 'The day I can legally start telling everyone I am sleeping with Anna Kournikova.'

  Craig Kilborn

  Sleep   Hockey   Player  

  1004

• Larry Flynt, running for governor of California. His goal - change our state bird to the spread eagle.

  Craig Kilborn

  Running   Eagles   California  

  2158

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