Craig Kilborn Quotes
-
The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have that? It's called Fox News.
→ -
John Kerry announced his plan for how to handle those poor naked prisoners. His wife is going to buy them all a $1,000 Armani suit.
→ -
I lived in a studio apartment until my mid-30s. I don't have an extravagant lifestyle.
→ -
President Bush is not fazed by other candidates' war records. He said, I may have not fought in Vietnam, but I created one.
→ -
New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut.
→ -
There are 300,000 new jobs and Bush said he's confused, 'Can I take credit for good news that I didn't even make up?'
→ -
The places I've worked in the past, I always stayed three years and moved on.
→ -
I enjoyed retirement the right way linguine con vongole, red wine and plenty of truffle cheese.
→ -
George W. Bush even stopped in Pennsylvania to try his hand at the lotto and gave up when he could only think of the numbers 4 and 17
→ -
There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'
→ -
People here in Los Angeles are disgusted now about a sex scandal involving Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently for seven years, he carried on a sexual relationship with his own wife.
→ -
The big political news, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's running for governor of California, and already, people are chanting, 'Four more vowels, four more vowels.
→ -
Hillary Clinton has finished writing her book where she says her marriage couldn't be stronger, and Bill just finished his book titled 'Chicks I Nailed While Hillary was Writing Her Book.'
→ -
You may have heard this, that NASA discovered water on Mars When he heard about the water on Mars, President Bush said, 'Is it regular or unleaded?'
→ -
Bush said the unemployment situation is turning around. Last week alone, 5,000 people started working for John Kerry.
→ -
With Iraq plunging into chaos and gas prices at record highs President Bush took time out this weekend for a ride on his bicycle, but unfortunately he fell off and sustained cuts to his face and hands. Apparently Bush was distracted by the enormous responsibilities of the presidency. I'm just kidding. He hit some gravel or something.
→ -
Ironically, the possibility that the president dodged his military service has increased his approval ratings with Democrats by 80 percent.
→ -
My brother asked me once, 'Are you a misanthrope?' And I said, 'No, I just find people irritating.'
→ -
As fighting in Iraq intensifies, President Bush delivered his supplemental war budget to Congress. The money will cover 30 days of fighting, then we'll be sent one war every other month until we cancel our subscription.
→ -
As the Democrats get revved up at their convention in Boston, President Bush is fighting back the only way he knows how: by going on vacation! Ah, it's nice to take a rest, replenish your supply of smirks. The vacation was expected, because Bush traditionally takes a month off every summer to relax and avoid reading National Security Warnings.
→ -
If loving you is wrong, then I'll just like you a whole bunch!
→ -
In Massachusetts, scientists have created the first human clone. The bad thing is that in thirty years, the clone will still be depressed because the Boston Red Sox will still have not won a World Series.
→ -
Clinton said he feels safe in Harlem. It's the only place in the state Hillary is scared to look for him after dark.
→ -
Our top story, in 'Threat Matrix Reloaded' news ... Attorney General John Ashcroft and FBI Director Robert Muller held a press conference today to announce that Al Qaeda is planning attacks somewhere inside the United States at sometime in the future. So go about your normal lives, but with a vague sense of foreboding.
→ -
Maria Shriver is credited with helping Arnold win by standing by him despite allegations of groping. She had to stand by him cause Arnold had a vice grip on her left ass cheek.
→ -
Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch.
→ -
It's not a big part, ... I wheel in an ultrasound machine and say to Taylor's gynecologist, 'If you have a problem with it, just give it a light tap on the side.' Then they hand me a urine sample, and I put it up to the light and say 'Hmm, looks pretty healthy, but I'll check.'
→ -
I think mankind is overly sensitive, very needy, greedy, and flawed.
→ -
Or as hockey player Sergei Fedorov knows it, 'The day I can legally start telling everyone I am sleeping with Anna Kournikova.'
→ -
Larry Flynt, running for governor of California. His goal - change our state bird to the spread eagle.
→
Related Authors
-
Rob Corddry Actor -
Lizz Winstead Comedian -
Dennis Dugan Actor -
Craig Ferguson Talk show host -
Ed Helms Actor -
Jon Heder Actor -
Stephen Colbert Satirist -
Demetri Martin Comedian -
David Letterman Talk show host -
John Oliver Comedian -
Trevor Noah Comedian -
A. Whitney Brown Writer -
David Javerbaum Writer -
Jon Stewart Satirist -
Kevin Sorbo Actor -
Samantha Bee Actress -
Tom Snyder Television personality -
Steve Carell Actor -
Christine Lakin Actress -
Wyatt Cenac Stand-up comedian