Dana Gould Quotes
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Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.
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Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.
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A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
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I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
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Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
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Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
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What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
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Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
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We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right
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I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
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As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
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We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
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Corn is the only food you hold like corn.
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If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.
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There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
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As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.
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My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.
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Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.
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I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
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I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
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If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.
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I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.
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Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.
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I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.
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There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.
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There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.
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It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
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Competition is the death of art.
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What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
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Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
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