Dana Gould Quotes

• Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

  Dana Gould

  Thinking   Asking   Faces  

  4401

• Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.

  Dana Gould

  Boys   Catholic   Church  

  FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Feb 10, 2012

  1137

• A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

  Dana Gould

  Knives   Way   Conversation  

  3797

• I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

  Dana Gould

  Dog   Kids   Gone  

  2750

• Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.

  Dana Gould

  Home   People   May  

  3727

• Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

  Dana Gould

  Guy   Kind   Let Me  

  FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Jun 26, 2012

  4057

• What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.

  Dana Gould

  Sorry   Men   Thinking  

  2088

• Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.

  Dana Gould

  Dog   Phones   People  

  790

• We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right

  Dana Gould

  Blood   Naked   World  

  1249

• I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

  Dana Gould

  Looks   Tone   Condom  

  1088

• As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

  Dana Gould

  Pie   Hobos   Global Warming  

  2365

• We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

  Dana Gould

  Eye   Way   Good Way  

  4541

• Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

  Dana Gould

  Corn  

  3752

• If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.

  Dana Gould

  Children   War   Coffee  

  4920

• There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

  Dana Gould

  Nightmare   Clown   Boners  

  4636

• As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.

  Dana Gould

  Dog   Doors   Parent  

  FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Feb 01, 2012

  4176

• My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

  Dana Gould

  Father   Weight   Pay  

  604

• Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.

  Dana Gould

  People   Feels   Good Place  

  1632

• I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.

  Dana Gould

  Two   Six Months   Strange  

  3938

• I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

  Dana Gould

  Naked   World   Want  

  3750

• If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.

  Dana Gould

  Music   Fun   Party  

  3746

• I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.

  Dana Gould

  Long   Important   Together  

  FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Aug 10, 2013

  485

• Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

  Dana Gould

  Sex   Two   Row Boats  

  1019

• I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.

  Dana Gould

  Suicide   Thinking   Multitasking  

  4198

• There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

  Dana Gould

  Guy   Sandwiches   Old Guys  

  FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Oct 15, 2012

  379

• There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.

  Dana Gould

  Xmas   Light   Vintage  

  4298

• It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

  Dana Gould

  Kids   Buckets   Alarms  

  5171

• Competition is the death of art.

  Dana Gould

  Art   Competition  

  1467

• What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

  Dana Gould

  Fire   What If   Devil  

  778

• Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?

  Dana Gould

  Want   Garbage   Good Will  

  FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Mar 28, 2012

  3348

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