Dana Gould Quotes

On this page you can find the TOP of Dana Gould's best quotes! We hope you will find some sayings from Comedian Dana Gould's in our collection, which will inspire you to new achievements! There are currently 260 quotes on this page collected since August 24, 1964! Share our collection of quotes with your friends on social media so that they can find something to inspire them!
  • Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

  • Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.

    FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Feb 10, 2012
  • A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

  • I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

  • Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.

  • Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

    FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Jun 26, 2012
  • What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.

  • Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.

  • We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right

  • I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

  • As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

  • We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

  • Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

  • If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.

  • There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

  • As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.

    FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Feb 01, 2012
  • My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

  • Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.

  • I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.

  • I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

  • If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.

  • I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.

    FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Aug 10, 2013
  • Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

  • I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.

  • There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

    FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Oct 15, 2012
  • There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.

  • It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

  • Competition is the death of art.

  • What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

  • Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?

    FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Mar 28, 2012
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  • We hope you have found the saying you were looking for in our collection! At the moment, we have collected 260 quotes from the Comedian Dana Gould, starting from August 24, 1964! We periodically replenish our collection so that visitors of our website can always find inspirational quotes by authors from all over the world! Come back to us again!