Daniel Tosh Quotes About Funny
-
It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.
→ -
I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.
→ -
I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
→ -
I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities.
→ -
If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?
→ -
That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
→ -
If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.
→ -
I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
→ -
Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here, but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.
→ -
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
→ -
I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.
→ -
I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
→ -
Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.”
→ -
I can say that. I have a television show.
→ -
I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.
→ -
I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
→ -
Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.
→ -
You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
→ -
I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.
→ -
Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.
→ -
Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
→ -
I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.
→ -
I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check.
→ -
You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"
→ -
I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.
→ -
I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.
→ -
It's funny... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one thing... the line you are not to cross.
→ -
I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
→ -
It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!
→ -
Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
→