Dave Attell Quotes

• Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.

  Dave Attell

  Funny  

  "Dave Attell: Captain Miserable". Documentary, Comedy, December 08, 2007.

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• This one guy, the worst guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just can't go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money... "Ta-da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?

  Dave Attell

  Hurt   Stupid   Hate  

  "Comedy Central Presents: Dave Attell". Documentary, Comedy, July 10, 1999.

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• You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.

  Dave Attell

  Funny  

  "Comedy Central Presents: Dave Attel". Documentary, Comedy, 1999.

  969

• You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.

  Dave Attell

  Funny  

  1672

• There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

  Dave Attell

  Funny  

  3333

• Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

  Dave Attell

  Funny  

  "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy album, February 4, 2003.

  797

• I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.

  Dave Attell

  Party  

  1234

• Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

  Dave Attell

  362

• I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.

  Dave Attell

  Interview with Chris O'Connell, www.avclub.com. August 17, 2009.

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• For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.

  Dave Attell

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• Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

  Dave Attell

  Funny  

  "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy Album, 2003.

  753

• Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

  Dave Attell

  Funny   Stupid  

  2938

• What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

  Dave Attell

  Funny  

  1093

• When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

  Dave Attell

  "Random Rules: Dave Attell". Interview with Sean O'Neal, music.avclub.com. February 01, 2008.

  5036

• Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us.

  Dave Attell

  "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy album, 2003.

  4500

• You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

  Dave Attell

  Funny  

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  3044

• Capital punishment, that thing scares me, it really does. I was talking to my friend about the electric chair, and he starts freakin' out. He's like 'the electric chair? That's too good for these people. That's too good for them'. Alright, how do we make the electric chair worse? How about this? They have to pedal a car battery to their own head. Is that ok? Is that enough, Mr. Hitler?

  Dave Attell

  2812

• I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.

  Dave Attell

  Interview with Chris O'Connell, www.avclub.com. August 17, 2009.

  3040

• My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

  Dave Attell

  243

• I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.

  Dave Attell

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• Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor! And it always starts a conversation, am I right? Honey, what happened? You better hold me 'cause I'm afraid.

  Dave Attell

  "Comedy Central Presents: Dave Attell". Documentary, Comedy, 1999.

  3365

• Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I'll tell you why: it's cuz of that one sick man, and it's up to me and a half-mexican to stop him.

  Dave Attell

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• The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!

  Dave Attell

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• Being on the road is kind of lonely.

  Dave Attell

  "Comedians Dave Attell and Jim Norton remember when men were wild" by Jarrett Bellini, www.cnn.com. August 12, 2011.

  3353

• I don't watch reality TV.

  Dave Attell

  "Random Rules: Dave Attell". Interview with Sean O'Neal, music.avclub.com. February 01, 2008.

  3647

• I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.

  Dave Attell

  "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy album, February 4, 2003.

  4630

• I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.

  Dave Attell

  Funny  

  "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy album, 2003.

  3271

• I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

  Dave Attell

  Interview with Keith Phipps, www.avclub.com. February 19, 2003.

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• I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.

  Dave Attell

  1788

• Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I'm no Jon or Kate plus eight. I'm just a comic, not a baby factory.

  Dave Attell

  Interview with Chris O'Connell, www.avclub.com. August 17, 2009.

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