Dave Attell Quotes

On this page you can find the TOP of Dave Attell's best quotes! We hope you will find some sayings from Comedian Dave Attell's in our collection, which will inspire you to new achievements! There are currently 4 quotes on this page collected since January 18, 1965! Share our collection of quotes with your friends on social media so that they can find something to inspire them!
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  • Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.

    Funny   Sports   Morning  
    "Dave Attell: Captain Miserable". Documentary, Comedy, December 08, 2007.
  • This one guy, the worst guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just can't go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money... "Ta-da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?

    Hurt   Stupid   Hate  
    "Comedy Central Presents: Dave Attell". Documentary, Comedy, July 10, 1999.
  • You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.

    Funny   Humor   Men  
    "Comedy Central Presents: Dave Attel". Documentary, Comedy, 1999.
  • You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.

    Funny   Humor   Machines  
  • There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

    Funny   Humor   Giving  
  • Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

    Funny   Growing Up   Dad  
    "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy album, February 4, 2003.
  • I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.

  • Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

  • I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.

    Choices   Actors   Matter  
    Interview with Chris O'Connell, www.avclub.com. August 17, 2009.
  • For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.

    Tattoo   Long   People  
  • Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

    Funny   Humor   Cuddling  
    "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy Album, 2003.
  • Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

    Funny   Stupid   Humor  
  • What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

    Funny   Humor   Rivers  
  • When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

    "Random Rules: Dave Attell". Interview with Sean O'Neal, music.avclub.com. February 01, 2008.
  • Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us.

    Sex   Animal   People  
    "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy album, 2003.
  • You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

    Funny   Humor   Men  
    "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.
  • Capital punishment, that thing scares me, it really does. I was talking to my friend about the electric chair, and he starts freakin' out. He's like 'the electric chair? That's too good for these people. That's too good for them'. Alright, how do we make the electric chair worse? How about this? They have to pedal a car battery to their own head. Is that ok? Is that enough, Mr. Hitler?

  • I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.

    Interview with Chris O'Connell, www.avclub.com. August 17, 2009.
  • My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

    Dream   Doors   Two  
  • I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.

    Stars   Thinking  
  • Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor! And it always starts a conversation, am I right? Honey, what happened? You better hold me 'cause I'm afraid.

    Cuz   Honey   Rooms  
    "Comedy Central Presents: Dave Attell". Documentary, Comedy, 1999.
  • Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I'll tell you why: it's cuz of that one sick man, and it's up to me and a half-mexican to stop him.

    Sex   Animal   Men  
  • The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!

    Writing   Voice   Parent  
  • Being on the road is kind of lonely.

    Lonely   Kind  
    "Comedians Dave Attell and Jim Norton remember when men were wild" by Jarrett Bellini, www.cnn.com. August 12, 2011.
  • I don't watch reality TV.

    Reality   Watches   Tvs  
    "Random Rules: Dave Attell". Interview with Sean O'Neal, music.avclub.com. February 01, 2008.
  • I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.

    "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy album, February 4, 2003.
  • I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.

    Funny   Reading   Humor  
    "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy album, 2003.
  • I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

    Writing   Comic   Jokes  
    Interview with Keith Phipps, www.avclub.com. February 19, 2003.
  • I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.

    Brother   Children   Fun  
  • Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I'm no Jon or Kate plus eight. I'm just a comic, not a baby factory.

    Baby   Mean   Eight  
    Interview with Chris O'Connell, www.avclub.com. August 17, 2009.
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We hope you have found the saying you were looking for in our collection! At the moment, we have collected 4 quotes from the Comedian Dave Attell, starting from January 18, 1965! We periodically replenish our collection so that visitors of our website can always find inspirational quotes by authors from all over the world! Come back to us again!
Dave Attell quotes about: Animals Babies Dad Drinking Fun Funny Girlfriends