Doug Stanhope Quotes

On this page you can find the TOP of Doug Stanhope's best quotes! We hope you will find some sayings from Stand-up comedian Doug Stanhope's in our collection, which will inspire you to new achievements! There are currently 215 quotes on this page collected since March 25, 1967! Share our collection of quotes with your friends on social media so that they can find something to inspire them!
  • One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.

  • I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.

    Hate  
  • I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.

  • I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.

  • It's our flaws who make us who we are.

    "Biography/ Personal Quotes". labs.imdb.com.
  • A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.

    Funny  
  • Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.

  • I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

  • I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other.

    "Doug Stanhope on Alcohol, Politics and Killing Comedy Bootleggers’ Families". Interview with Joel Warner, Peter Mcgraw, www.wired.com. November 6, 2012.
  • What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.

  • You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; it would be different if it was your own child. Well what if it wasn't?

    Hate  
  • Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.

  • If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.

    Alcohol  
  • Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism.

    "Doug Stanhope: Word of Mouth". Comedy, 2002.
  • Get the right to marry - and then don't.

  • Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

    Funny  
  • Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.

    "Doug Stanhope: Oslo - Burning the Bridge to Nowhere". Comedy, 2011.
  • I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.

  • Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?

  • You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north."

    "Doug Stanhope: Word of Mouth". Comedy, 2002.
  • If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

    "Before Turning the Gun on Himself". Comedy album by Doug Stanhope, 2012.
  • If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.

  • "Close your mouth when you chew." That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.

    Source: www.esquire.com
  • Canada, the drinking age is 18, that's unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.

  • All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself.

  • When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.

    Source: www.esquire.com
  • Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.

  • I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.

  • I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, 'Gay pride, white power!' just to confuse people.

    "Doug Stanhope: pro-choice, pro-drugs, but defiantly anti-Guardian". Interview with Tim Jonze, www.theguardian.com. September 9, 2011.
  • My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?

    Source: www.esquire.com
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  • We hope you have found the saying you were looking for in our collection! At the moment, we have collected 215 quotes from the Stand-up comedian Doug Stanhope, starting from March 25, 1967! We periodically replenish our collection so that visitors of our website can always find inspirational quotes by authors from all over the world! Come back to us again!

    Doug Stanhope

    • Born: March 25, 1967
    • Occupation: Stand-up comedian