Erma Bombeck Quotes About Funny

We have collected for you the TOP of Erma Bombeck's best quotes about Funny! Here are collected all the quotes about Funny starting from the birthday of the Column Author – February 21, 1927! We hope you will be inspired to new achievements with our constantly updated collection of quotes. At the moment, this page contains 49 sayings of Erma Bombeck about Funny. We will be happy if you share our collection of quotes with your friends on social networks!
  • He who laughs.....lasts.

    Funny  
    Erma Bombeck (2013). “Forever, Erma: Best-Loved Writing From America's Favorite Humorist”, p.46, Open Road Media
  • I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

    Funny  
  • People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.

    Funny  
  • It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.

    Funny  
  • People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.

    Funny  
    Erma Bombeck (2011). “I Lost Everything in the Post-Natal Depression”, p.17, Fawcett
  • If anyone knew where they were, I'd send the ISDBB (Incredibly Stupid and Dumb Beyond Belief) award to the two guys who tried to break in to the Ohio penitentiary.

    Funny  
  • A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.

    Funny  
    Erma Bombeck (2013). “The Erma Bombeck Collection: If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?, Motherhood, and The Grass Is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank”, p.477, Open Road Media
  • I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

    Funny   Humorous  
  • I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.

    Funny  
    Erma Bombeck (2013). “The Erma Bombeck Collection: If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?, Motherhood, and The Grass Is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank”, p.292, Open Road Media
  • Not everyone is comfortable with the kissing ritual. My husband is one of them. Her refuses to press lips with anyone except his wife, mother, and dog. If someone wanted to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, he would refuse until he had been formally introduced.

    Funny  
  • Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.

    Funny  
  • Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.

    Funny   Humorous  
  • We even switched to a newly-formed church across the town that gave one hundred and twenty trading stamps each time we attended. (We now worship a brown and white chicken with a sunburst on its chest.)

    Funny   Humorous  
    Erma Bombeck (2011). “At Wit's End”, p.60, Fawcett
  • Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

    Funny  
  • The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little oversight.

    Funny   God   Humorous  
  • My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.

    Funny  
    Erma Bombeck, Bil Keane (2011). “Just Wait Till You Have Children of Your Own!”, p.119, Fawcett
  • I've always been intrigued with the variety of answers this generation will give their children who ask, "Where did I come from, Mommy?" They will range from "Number 176 vial in Buffalo, New York," to "You were defrosted."

    Funny  
  • All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.

    Funny  
    Erma Bombeck (2013). “The Erma Bombeck Collection: If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?, Motherhood, and The Grass Is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank”, p.348, Open Road Media
  • The more I think about it, the more there is to be said for the sloth. He sleeps fifteen to eighteen hours a day and is known to have taken forty-eight days to travel four miles. He hangs in the trees after he's dead. But he lives longer than the cheetah.

    Funny  
  • Sex in the nineties is boring. The problem is that it has gone from an active act to a spectator sport. We watch people make love on television and in films. We call 900 numbers to hear what someone would do to us if they weren't sitting in a boiler room of other dirty talkers reading from a prepared script.

    Funny  
  • A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.

    Funny   Humorous  
  • Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

    Funny   Humorous  
    Erma Bombeck (2013). “Motherhood: The Second Oldest Profession”, p.14, Open Road Media
  • I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food

    Funny   Humorous  
  • Crocodiles have a smile I've seen on the face of every lawyer I've ever met.

    Funny   Humorous  
  • I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.

    Funny   Humorous  
  • When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

    Funny  
  • Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.

    Funny  
  • My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

    Funny  
  • With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.

    Funny   Humorous  
  • For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

    Funny  
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