Erma Bombeck Quotes About Funny
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He who laughs.....lasts.
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I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
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People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
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It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.
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People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
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If anyone knew where they were, I'd send the ISDBB (Incredibly Stupid and Dumb Beyond Belief) award to the two guys who tried to break in to the Ohio penitentiary.
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A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.
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I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.
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I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.
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Not everyone is comfortable with the kissing ritual. My husband is one of them. Her refuses to press lips with anyone except his wife, mother, and dog. If someone wanted to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, he would refuse until he had been formally introduced.
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Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.
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Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
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We even switched to a newly-formed church across the town that gave one hundred and twenty trading stamps each time we attended. (We now worship a brown and white chicken with a sunburst on its chest.)
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Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
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The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little oversight.
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My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.
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I've always been intrigued with the variety of answers this generation will give their children who ask, "Where did I come from, Mommy?" They will range from "Number 176 vial in Buffalo, New York," to "You were defrosted."
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All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.
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The more I think about it, the more there is to be said for the sloth. He sleeps fifteen to eighteen hours a day and is known to have taken forty-eight days to travel four miles. He hangs in the trees after he's dead. But he lives longer than the cheetah.
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Sex in the nineties is boring. The problem is that it has gone from an active act to a spectator sport. We watch people make love on television and in films. We call 900 numbers to hear what someone would do to us if they weren't sitting in a boiler room of other dirty talkers reading from a prepared script.
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A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.
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Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
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I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food
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Crocodiles have a smile I've seen on the face of every lawyer I've ever met.
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I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.
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When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.
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Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.
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My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
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With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.
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For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
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