Felipe Esparza Quotes
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I got jumped into a gang, but I never shot anybody or anything. I might have been in the car when something happened, but I was involved in the gangs just for the drugs. After a while, I just became an outcast of the gang because I just liked the drugs. I just wanted to do more drugs, anything you put in my hand.
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I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.
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I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.
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The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.
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I listened to my first comedy album in 6th grade. It was Bill Cosby. My brother and I would play it over and over on a Fisher Price record player. A friend in high school also introduced me to Richard Pryor. I wasn't writing material back then, but I would say funny stuff. I was good at making fun of people's moms. If I knew something personal about you, it would be used against you.
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Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.
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My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me.
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Halloween is the only day I can dress up like a hot Latina woman with a beer belly.
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I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.
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Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.
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You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.
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I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.
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I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn't really hit us.
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Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food.
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I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.
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Why go to France when you can smell the same people in coffee shops here in America.
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I was born in Sinaloa, Mexico, along with two of my siblings. The rest were born here in the United States. I didn't know we were illegal until I was in the 8th grade. We would call other kids wetbacks, but we were the real wetbacks!
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Wrestling is only gay when you make eye contact.
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I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.
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Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.
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Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing.
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I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.
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If you have a fat brother or sister you might be American.
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Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.
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I didn't know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That's what I learned. I didn't know how to put a set together.
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I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.
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I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.
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According to my local hip-hop station everyone has garnish wages, child support, liens and wants to buy or rent rims. Ya Heard!
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You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.
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We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.
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