Garrison Keillor Quotes
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Dogs don't lie and why should I? Strangers come they growl and bark, they know their loved ones in the dark, Now let me, by night or day, Be just as full of truth as they.
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Sport is a seductive metaphor (life as a game in which we gain victory through hard work, discipline, and visualizing success). but the older metaphor of farming (life as hard labor that is subject to weather and quirks of blind fate and may return no reward whatsoever and don't be surprised) is still in our blood.
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Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. ~Garrison Keillor
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God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
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I feel it's so hard for young actors; It's a different world that they're coming up in; there's so much money to be made off of their personal lives, and people are bound and determined to make that money.
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People in cars cause accidents and accidents in cars cause people.
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You don't have to justify a beautiful stroke of good luck. Accept it. Smile and say thank you.
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In California virtually everyone has had their teeth whitened. If they all smiled at once, they would give us a headache.
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Secret of life is to go through something harrowing that doesnt kill you...and to love one woman for the rest of your life.
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We'd all be alot happier if we'd stop assuming we're supposed to be happy.
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No innocent man buys a gun, and no happy man writes his memoirs.
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The audience is invisible and that's good. Somewhere my voice is drifting through a swine barn and the sound of it seems to perk up the sows' appetite. Or a lady is listening on headphones as she jogs along a beach, running to my cadence. Or a dog sits in front of the radio, head cocked, and the sibilants excite him in some mysterious way. A dog's humorist, that's me.
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You'd learn more about the world by lying on the couch and drinking gin out of a bottle than by watching the news.
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Give guilt - the gift that lasts forever.
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Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
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I hear a little firecracker go off when you come up with a good rhyme.
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The relationship between truth and a newspaper is like the relationship between the color green and the number seven. Occasionally you will see the number seven written in green, but you learn not to expect this.
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You now have learned enough to see That Cats are much like you and me And other people whom we find Possessed of various types of mind. For some are sane and some are mad And some are good and some are bad And some are better, some are worse But all may be described in verse.
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A man can't eat anger for breakfast and sleep with it at night and not suffer damage to his soul.
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I've seen the truth, and it makes no sense.
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Adolescence hits boys harder than it does girls. Girls bleed a little and their breasts pop out, big deal, but adolescence lands on a guy with both feet. . . . Your body is engulfed by chemicals of rage and despair, you pound, you shriek, you batter your head against the trees. You come away wounded, feeling that life is unknowable, can never be understood, only endured and sometimes cheated.
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... I never was one to get upset about a few scratches on a motor vehicle, it is meant to be used, not saved.
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This is the big reason most humorists fail. Drunks don't read books.
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Have interesting failures.... If you need to have a personal crisis have it now. Don't wait until midlife, when it will take longer to resolve.... Don't pity yourselves. Lighten up. Seek people with a sense of humor. Avoid humorless people-and do not marry one, for God's sake.
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We have nearly complete misunderstanding between people of different faiths in Lake Wobegon, and that's probably one reason why we get along so very well. It's when you are trying to convince another person to think the same way that you do that there is friction and trouble between people. But when you feel that the other person is dumber than dirt, too dumb for words - why waste your breath - you get along pretty well. There's no bond between people that's quite so strong as when people each feel slightly superior towards the other one.
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Growing up in a place that has winter, you learn to avoid self-pity. Winter is not a personal experience, everybody else is just as cold as you, so you shouldn't complain about it too much. You learn this as a kid, coming home crying from the cold, and Mother looks down and says, 'It's only a little frostbite. You're okay.' And thus you learn to be okay. What's done is done. Get over it. Drink your coffee. It's not the best you'll ever get but it's good enough.
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Marrying for sex is like flying to London for the free peanuts and pretzels. It's not the point of the thing, is it?
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Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
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Not everyone has a Life's Work. Some people simply have a Life.
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I think that if writers are tempted to do other things, they ought to go do other things. They should not write if they don't feel like it. I say this as a competitor. I am not interested in encouraging people who are in competition with me.
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