George Burns Quotes
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At home we ate fish every Friday, as Catholics were then supposed to do. Being Jewish, I compromised. I wore a hat when I ate fish, out of respect for my own religion and the fish's family.
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It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
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When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
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Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.
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Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your exercises. You can't wait to put on your clothes. You can't wait to get out. And you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.
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Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
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Tennis is a young man's game. Until you're 25, you can play singles. From 25 to 35, you should play doubles. I won't tell you exactly how old I am, but when I played, there were 28 men on the court - just on my side of the net.
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I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to I might fall down.
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Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.
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If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.
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At my age flowers scare me.
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People are always asking me how much I'm worth. Well, all I can say is, I've got enough money to last me the rest of my life. As long as I die in the next 20 minutes.
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In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
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People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways - I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
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Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh.
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I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
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It's one of the old show business axioms. No matter how successful you've been, there's always a younger and sexier seal coming along.
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I get a standing ovation just standing
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I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.
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She didn't need to go to acting school to learn that the essence of acting is to act like you're not acting.
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Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
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It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.
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I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65, I had Cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.
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This is all so exciting I've decided to keep making one movie every 36 years.
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My best advice: Fall in love with what you do for a living.
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I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
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When I die I intend to take my music with me. I don't know what's out there, but I want to make sure it's in my key.
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I'd rather be a flop at show business than to be a success at something I didn't like.
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Sex can be fun after eighty, after ninety, and after lunch!
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