Greg Proops Quotes
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Don't say 'No,' say 'Gilbert,' ladies and gentlemen.
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Let me tell you about Australia. It's really, really, really, far from wherever you live on Earth. You fly and you fly and you fly. Then relativity takes over and you get younger and younger. And when you land, you're a gleam in your father's eye.
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I would never advocate the use of dope because, you know, I'm not a professional athlete and I don't have access to the good stuff.
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You're in a bar - grow up. You're drinking poison. You're trying to have sex unsafely with someone you don't know. Is secondhand smoke really the chiefest of your health concerns at this point?
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I thought the Egyptians had cured baldness.
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I wear glasses. That's how you'll know me. I am the speccy one.... And I am proud.
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If you want to live in 'white world,' if you want to experience the stultifying boredom and penetrating ennui that homogeneity can bring, you can go to Canada any day of the year. It's an entire country named Doug.
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I did stand up first in high school, joined an improv group in college, kept doing stand up after that, no one could deter me. And I have no other skills really, so I'm sorta stuck with this now. It's a little late to switch over to an ornithologist.
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It doesn't matter how much of an asshole you are, there was always someone who thought you were cool.
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I don't want comedy to be Bridesmaids 2. I'm not denigrating Bridesmaids but, enough already, let's stop pretending women are incalculably different to us. Seeking out podcasts, listening on headphones, it's like an intimate, specific conversation. People respond if it feels from the heart. I'm as neurotic a human being as lives, and I have my faults. I'm a drunk. But people really like that.
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I think comedy should be left up to the professionals, that way everyone's safety is protected.
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I would like to thank ABC for giving me the Drew Carey award. It only goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year, and gosh darn it, tonight I'm the king of the... general area.
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My feeling is, we ran from animals for three million years. It's our time now. If a cow could eat you, it would. And it wouldn't care how comfortable your truck ride over was, either.
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I'm always looking for that place, you know, where there's no rednecks, that place where people get along, and I never find it. I went to Australia, right, and I thought Australia was gonna be a groovy, surfnoid, smoke-a-joint wombat, you know? 'G'day mate!' 'No worries!' And it's like Arkansas with a beach. It's a whole country with a 'No Fat Chicks' sticker on it.
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I have to hear this all the time in England: Well, all Americans are fat and stupid, mm-hm-hm-hm-hm. Really? Well, thanks for sending over the best and brightest to start the party. Maybe we can send a few freaky, Texas, militia, hate-group, gun-toting weirdoes back to your country.
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If you do not find me funny, that is your problem and I am not going away.
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People will really believe anything. You may have noticed this. It’s not just me. Look around.
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Oh, I don't wear a bathing suit. I wear a tent when I go out.
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How would you like to make money in real estate?
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You can't smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic, when you consider the fact that you can't breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.
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I work for a few at home who are devoted. People who are up now. Either they have some sort of bladder problem or they're extremely drunk. This is my crowd, these are the people I hope to get.
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Talking to the British about sex is like talking to Americans about reading. Nobody does it so why talk about it?
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Glasses are for the brave. I do not need to pretend that I am sighted. People who need glasses and don't wear them are slightly less treacherous than people who don't need them and do-like every shallow Hollywood star who wants to be taken seriously.
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Ever since you're little you hear this: 'The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.' But even when you're little you're like, 'Umm.. Bullsh*t?'
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I think if you steal well, you're a genius. If you copy badly, you're a hack.
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I see guys dressing like they're in college - and they're not. I don't want to be that guy.
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Animals have two vital functions in today's society; to be delicious and to fit well.
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I understand that smoking is vaguely inappropriate in certain situations. You know, like an orphanage, cancer ward, whatever.
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Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.
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Arizona changes its state motto to Damn, it's hot.
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