Groucho Marx Quotes

On this page you can find the TOP of Groucho Marx's best quotes! We hope you will find some sayings from Comedian Groucho Marx's in our collection, which will inspire you to new achievements! There are currently 319 quotes on this page collected since October 2, 1890! Share our collection of quotes with your friends on social media so that they can find something to inspire them!
  • I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove

  • I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

  • Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood

  • Room service? Send up a larger room.

    Funny   Witty   Crazy  
    Room Service (motion picture) (1938). Screenplay by Morrie Ryskind.
  • I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

  • Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

    Funny   Death  
    A Day at the Races (motion picture) (1937). Screenplay by Robert Pirosh, George Seaton, and George Oppenheimer.
  • Celebrate the cracks, because that's how the light comes in.

  • Growing old is something you do if you're lucky.

  • I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

    Funny   Witty   Humorous  
  • Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.

    Groucho Marx (2008). “Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover”, p.198, Da Capo Press
  • I'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now.

  • Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

  • No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

    Groucho Marx (2009). “Groucho And Me”, p.97, Da Capo Press
  • I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book . . . The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

    Groucho Marx (2009). “Groucho And Me”, p.29, Da Capo Press
  • When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth"

  • Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.

  • Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.

    Funny   Witty  
    Groucho Marx, Richard J. Anobile (1973). “The Marx Bros. Scrapbook”, Crown Publishing Group (NY)
  • Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.

  • Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

    Funny   Witty   Humorous  
  • I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

  • If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

    Funny   Crazy  
  • If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

    Funny   Humorous  
    Groucho Marx (2000). “The Essential Groucho: Writings By, For, and about Groucho Marx”, Vintage
  • Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

    Funny   Witty   Crazy  
    Groucho Marx (2009). “Groucho And Me”, p.28, Da Capo Press
  • I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.

    "Biography/ Personal Quotes".
  • Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it - I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

    "Fictional character: Rufus T. Firefly". "Duck Soup", 1933.
  • Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water.

    "Fictional character:". "Animal Crackers", 1930.
  • It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa

  • The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

    Funny   Life   Witty  
  • [Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

    Funny   Crazy  
    Groucho Marx (2000). “The Essential Groucho: Writings By, For, and about Groucho Marx”, Vintage
  • Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

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  • We hope you have found the saying you were looking for in our collection! At the moment, we have collected 319 quotes from the Comedian Groucho Marx, starting from October 2, 1890! We periodically replenish our collection so that visitors of our website can always find inspirational quotes by authors from all over the world! Come back to us again!