Jen Lancaster Quotes
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Ambien might have mentally just tossed my salad. WITH CROUTONS.
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Owning a dog is slightly less expensive than being addicted to crack.
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No matter how happy anyone is with their choices, I believe it's human nature to wonder about the path not taken.
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I'm a humor writer, so I don't always present myself in the best light.
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I'm not lazy. I'm simply judicious about excess movement.
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Amen,' I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now I'll have forgotten about it and will finally have said heart attack when I assume a rat shat in there.
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Maybe I've moved to the dark side, but it's clean and nice and we never run out of toilet paper.
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Quinn Cummings is a master story-teller and her book is nothing short of delightful. Her insights into topics like celebrity, parenting, and cats with a taste for homicide are pithy and uproarious and not to be missed. Notes from the Underwire is charming, hilarious, and just snarky enough to be ultimately satisfying.
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The best thing about being 45 is not taking myself so seriously.
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Fortunately, all it takes for us to be of one mind is some buttercream frosting.
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I'm the person who says every single thing she thinks, sometimes to others' amusement, and almost always to my detriment.
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I've always been able to cook Italian food. That's in my blood because I'm half Sicilian.
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Writing is something that I've always loved. That stems from my love of being a reader.
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I believe that I have such a vanilla life.
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I tried, it was hard, I quit, the end. Story of my life.
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I’m busy sorting through our new collection of rhinestone jewelry. Should anyone be in the market for sparkly accessories the size of a hubcap, this is the place to get them. Earlier today, a customer picked up one of the enormous chandelier-style offerings and asked, 'Do those be genuine rhimestones?' I couldn’t even begin to explain everything that was wrong with her sentence, so I simply replied, 'Yes. They do be genuine.
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This is terrific! What fun! Maybe tomorrow I can go to the prom with my brother. The day after, perhaps I can wear white pants and unexpectedly get my period.
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As I examine my life through this book, I can't help but wonder if my mother was right. Maybe I really was what I ate. And maybe if she'd let me eat a little more sugar, I'd have come out sweeter.
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When did the cell phone become a license to be rude? And why must I be subjected to your personal conversations?
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The best thing about being 45 is not taking myself so seriously. Do I miss the package I came in at 25? I do. Gravity is no one's friend. Yet the perspective I've gained is so worth the wear and tear. What would have mortified me at 25 is now simply fodder for a funny, relatable story. Also? I was a waitress at 25, and now I'm an author. Forty-five is definitely better.
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Were I forced to describe this woman in one word, that word would be...herpes.
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Although I get a lot of specialty services like wraps, scrubs, and mustache removal, my favorite is the simple manicure/pedicure. They work on your hands and feet at the same time while you sit in a vibrating chair. I call it the sorority girls version of a threesome.
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The living room is a monument to my impulsive spending habits. I've got more than two hundred DVDs, including cinematic greats such as Monkey Bone, Corkey Romano, and A Night at the Roxbury, leading me to believe not only do I have awful taste in films, but I also have a Chris Kattan fixation. What I don't have is $4000 earing intrest in a money market account.
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Some people are destined to be deep thinkers. I am not one of those people.
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I don't care how happily married you are or how deeply enmeshed you are with your children and family and career -- every woman needs a couple of chicks who'll break out the sangria just because you need to vent.
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Expressing political opinion can be a powerful way to establish a character's voice when writing fiction.
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I'm such a fangirl when it comes to other writers. I read 250 books a year, and I'm always talking up books by other authors.
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You think you're so cool just because you can walk!
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You can't all of a sudden go to sleep one night and wake up Martha Stewart. It's bit by bit by bit.
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Despite my best efforts, I'm not quite perfect. Let's just say I'm like one of those Hopi blankets where they leave a tiny flaw so as to not affront the Lord.
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