Jimmy Carr Quotes
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I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
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I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.
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I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'
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The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.
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My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.
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Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.
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I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"
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It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.
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When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
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I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.
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The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.
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I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.
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I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.
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I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.
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A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'
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Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.
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Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.
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More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.
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I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.
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Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.
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Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.
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I pay what I have to and not a penny more.
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You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.
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If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?
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I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.
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I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
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In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.
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All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.
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Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?
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There's things that I couldn't joke about but other people could.
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