Joan Rivers Quotes
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.
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Better laid than never.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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I could stop and live carefully but that's ridiculous. I don't want to live carefully.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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Having a baby can be a scream.
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Having my daughter, I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.
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I was not an attractive child.
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Never admit that your back goes out more than you do
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That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.
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Show business can be an addiction. ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months.
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Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius' bathroom floor.
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At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!
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Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.
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Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
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Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I'm to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
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Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!
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You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
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Marriage isn't a contest to see who is most often right. Marriage requires being what the Japanese call 'the wise bamboo,' which means you bend so you don't break. Treat your spouse with the flexibility and respect you would give to a top client. Think how we treat clients; We smile, we are polite, we listen to their ideas. Never forget that your spouse is your most important client.
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Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.
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Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.
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I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
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Joan Rivers
- Born: June 8, 1933
- Died: September 4, 2014
- Occupation: Television Personality
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