John Bradshaw Quotes
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Children need parents who model self-discipline rather than preach it. They learn from what their parents are actually willing to do; not from what they say they do.
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It's essential to tell the truth at all times. This will reduce life's pain. Lying distorts reality. All forms of distorted thinking must be corrected.
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Healthy shame is an emotion that teaches us about our limits. Like all emotions, shame moves us to get our basic needs met.
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Since the earliest period of our life was preverbal, everything depended on emotional interaction. Without someone to reflect our emotions, we had no way of knowing who we were.
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The foundation for our self-image is grounded in the first three years of life. It comes from our major caretaker's mirroring.
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There are plenty of quacks in the field. Fewer than you'd expect, though still plenty (in alternative medicine).
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To be shame-bound means that whenever you feel any feeling, need or drive, you immediately feel ashamed. The dynamic core of your human life is grounded in your feelings, needs and drives. When these are bound by shame, you are shamed to the core.
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To truly be committed to a life of honesty, love and discipline, we must be willing to commit ourselves to reality.
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Science has so far been unable to tell us how self-aware dogs are, much less whether they have anything like our conscious thoughts. This is not surprising, since neither scientists nor philosophers can agree about what the consciousness of humans consists of, let alone that of animals.
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The capacity for love that makes dogs such rewarding companions has a flip-side: They find it difficult to cope without us. Since we humans programmed this vulnerability, it's our responsibility to ensure that our dogs do not suffer as a result.
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Evil is a source of moral intelligence in the sense that we need to learn from our shadow, from our dark side, in order to be good.
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True love heals and affects spiritual growth. If we do not grow because of someone else’s love, it’s generally because it is a counterfeit form of love.
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I know from my own clinical work that when people are beaten and hurt, they numb out so that they cant feel anymore.
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It's okay to make mistakes. Mistakes are our teachers -- they help us to learn.
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The feeling of righteousness is the core mood alteration among religious addicts. Religious addiction is a massive problem in our society. It may be the most pernicious of all addictions because it’s so hard for a person to break his delusion and denial. How can anything be wrong with loving God and giving your life for good works and service to mankind?
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Virtue is an inner strength. It expands your nature.
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Condemning others as bad or sinful is a way to feel righteous. Such a feeling is a powerful mood alteration and can become highly addictive.
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Children aren't fooled. They know we give time to the things we love.
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Children are natural Zen masters; their world is brand new in each and every moment.
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We move from the illusion of certainty, to the certainty of illusion
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Ego is to the true self what a flashlight is to a spotlight.
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Shame is the root of all addictions.
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You can't heal what you can't feel!
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Most people who have survived abuse have great strength.
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Guilt says I've done something wrong; ... shame says there is something wrong with me. Guilt says I've made a mistake; ... shame says I am a mistake. Guilt says what did was not good; ... shame says I am no good.
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The most paradoxical aspect of neurotic shame is that it is the core motivator of the superachieved and the underachieved, the star and the scapegoat, the righteous and the wretched, the powerful and the pathetic.
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The drivenness in any addiction is about the ruptured self, the belief that one is flawed as a person. The content of the addiction, whether it is alcoholism or work, is an attempt at an intimate relationship. The workaholic with her work or the alcoholic with his booze are having a love affair. Each alters mood to avoid the feeling of loneliness and hurt in the underbelly of shame.
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Arrogance is a way for a person to cover up shame. After years of arrogance, the arrogant person is so out of touch, she truly doesn't know who she is. This is one of the greatest tragedies of shame cover-ups: not only does the person hide from others, she also hides from herself.
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All these feelings need to be felt. We need to stomp and storm; to sob and cry; to perspire and tremble.
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Recovery begins with embracing our pain and taking the risk to share it with others. We do this by joining a group and talking about our pain.
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