Kristen Schaal Quotes
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I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!
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Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.
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You're looking good today Bret. Very hot... hotter than Jemaine. You have a refined bone structure, while Jemaine's facial features are too deep set to be classically handsome.
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This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.
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All the best movies are the ones that are cut from a more middle ground.
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I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm...I'm hungry actually.
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Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele - should be fun - and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.
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1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.
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Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.
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I'd hate to be a writer forever and never perform, and I'd hate to perform and not write. I get sad if time has passed and I haven't written or made anything. I'm an artist.
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Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.
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Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.
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No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me.
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Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.
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I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.
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The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.
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I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.
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I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally...erotically caressing each other...on the hood of a car...or the back of a movie theater.
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Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print.
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He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want.
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Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.
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The first time I was on TV, on "Flight of the Conchords," someone put up a YouTube clip and said, 'You're too ugly to be on TV.' And I was like, 'That is exactly why it's a good thing that I'm on TV.'
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Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.
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I'm so happy to be around people. I just really like people, and being a freelancer can be lonely during the day, when you're at home trying to write anything you can.
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At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.
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You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners.
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I think growing up on a farm in a certain amount of isolation, with not a lot of friends nearby, makes you entertain yourself and kind of grows your imagination - being alone is quite good for all that. You make up stories, talk to the animals, let them be an audience, a bunch of cows.
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Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?
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As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex.
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I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.
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