Les Dawson Quotes
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I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
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My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.
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I know my name will always be linked with women.
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Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.
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My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.
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My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
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I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
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Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
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I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
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The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
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My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.
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I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
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With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
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How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
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He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.
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The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.
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I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'
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I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
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Despite the fact that feminists say they're not getting a fair deal, women are still very powerful.
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Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
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I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.
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My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
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The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
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There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
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I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
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Everyone has a family tree; the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.
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I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.
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My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.
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Slumps don't bother me.
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