Marcus Brigstocke Quotes
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Catholicism has the clerical equivalent to a nut allergy - even a small exposure to change, and the whole thing will go into anaphylactic shock.
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I'm more pompous and self-assured and determined that if - you know - if the truth can be told so as to be understood, it will be believed.
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I am not racked with self-loathing. Some issues of guilt and shame, but I'm a pretty good guy.
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I've spent a lot of very happy times in Edinburgh as a result of playing virtually every festival since 1996. It's also a beautiful city in its own right, is walkable, within sight of the sea and mountains - and was too far north for the Luftwaffe to have done any damage, hence the spectacularly beautiful architecture.
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Never Google yourself. Seriously, don't!
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My purist comedy friends accuse me of being a Jack of all trades and master of none.
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I have a very good memory for scripts. I can watch a show I like once, then remember about 90% of the script. But ask me who was in it, and I wouldn't have a clue.
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You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost.
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I realised that to compare your insides with other people's outsides leads to unhappiness.
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This goes out to the followers of the three Abrahamic religions: To the Jews, Christians, and Muslims. It's just a little thing, really. But do you think that when you're done smashing up the world and blowing each other to bits and demanding special privileges while you're at it... do you think the rest of us could have our planet back?
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The most successful comics are always the hardest-working ones.
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I find it hard to get enthusiastic about hotels because, as a touring comic, I spend a lot of time in them.
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I think Ross Noble is the only person that I've seen really storm a stand-up slot at a festival, and that was when he led 3,000 people on a conga out of the tent and across the entire site to a vegetarian food truck.
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Christians, you and your churches don't get to be millionaires while other people have nothing at all. They're your bloody rules! Either stick to them or abandon the faith.
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I have an addictive personality. Boarding school merely sent me more quickly on the downward spiral that dominated my childhood.
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Jews, I know you're God's chosen people and the rest of us are just 'whatever', but when Israel behaves like a violent, psychopathic bully and someone mentions it, that doesn't make them anti-Semitic.
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I became hugely overweight and then hated myself because it was a form of self-abuse, something over which I had no control. I think the thing compulsive over-eaters want to achieve is that stuffed-full Christmas afternoon feeling.
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I spend my jollity on stage, so there is less in my own life.
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The basic function of a comic is stand-up because it's so straightforward and simple. If the audience don't laugh, you didn't do your job. I've had some audiences where I didn't care if they laughed or not because they were either too drunk or stupid.
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Eventually, somewhere - be it on the Internet or somewhere else - I will host some version of 'The Daily Show.'
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Offence is important; that's how you know you care about things. Imagine a life where you're not offended. So dull.
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If you want something Scottish, go get yourself a kilt.
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Jim Henson was an absolute genius.
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I stumbled on a joke idea and style that worked, the audience went with it and, from that moment on, I was hooked. It's an amazing feeling.
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If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
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No one wants life to end. It was bad enough when my last tour came to an end.
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All my shows are therapy, trying to navigate interesting subjects so I can work them out and to be honest and say some things are beyond the wit of this man.
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And much as I enjoy writing and creating stuff, I don't enjoy it so much that I am willing to give up any time that could otherwise be spent performing.
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Britain is obsessed with political correctness.
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I'm best known as a stand-up comedian, but I'm a good actor in the right role.
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