Mark Twain Quotes About Funny
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What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.
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Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are most economical in its use.
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If you send a damned fool to St. Louis, and you don't tell them he's a damned fool, they'll never find out.
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Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
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How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
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I have been born more times than anybody except Krishna.
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I have not professionally dealt in truth. Many when they come to die have spent all the truth that was in them, and enter the next world as paupers. I have saved up enough to make an astonishment there.
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Had double chins all the way down to his stomach.
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Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.
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I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.
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No real estate is permanently valuable but the grave.
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I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
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It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
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I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.
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His money is twice tainted: taint yours and taint mine.
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I have witnessed and greatly enjoyed the first act of everything which Wagner created, but the effect on me has always been so powerful that one act was quite sufficient; whenever I have witnessed two acts I have gone away physically exhausted; and whenever I have ventured an entire opera the result has been the next thing to suicide.
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Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.
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Baccarat is a game whereby the croupier gathers in money with a flexible sculling oar, then rakes it home. If I could have borrowed his oar I would have stayed.
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A crime persevered in a thousand centuries ceases to be a crime, and becomes a virtue. This is the law of custom, and custom supersedes all other forms of law.
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Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
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If all the fools in this world should die, lordly God how lonely I should be.
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All of us contain Music & Truth, but most of us can't get it out.
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Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
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When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
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Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
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To succeed in the other trades, capacity must be shown; in the law, concealment of it will do.
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Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
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Nothing helps scenery like bacon and eggs.
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No real gentleman will tell the naked truth in the presence of ladies.
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