Mark Twain Quotes About Heaven

We have collected for you the TOP of Mark Twain's best quotes about Heaven! Here are collected all the quotes about Heaven starting from the birthday of the Author – November 30, 1835! We hope you will be inspired to new achievements with our constantly updated collection of quotes. At the moment, this page contains 45 sayings of Mark Twain about Heaven. We will be happy if you share our collection of quotes with your friends on social networks!
All quotes by Mark Twain: 4th Of July Acceptance Accidents Accomplishment Achievement Acting Adam And Eve Addiction Adventure Adversity Advertising Affairs Affection Age Aging Alcohol Ambition Angels Animal Cruelty Animal Rights Animals Anxiety Appearance Appreciation Arguing Army Arrogance Art Astronomy Atheism Atheist Attitude Austen Authority Babies Balance Beauty Beer Being Alone Being Thankful Belief Bible Bicycle Birds Birth Birthdays Bitterness Blame Blessings Bliss Boat Bones Books Bravery Brotherhood Brothers Business Cat And Dog Cats Censorship Certainty Challenges Change Character Charity Chastity Cheers Children Choices Christ Christianity Church Cigars Coffee College College Education Comedy Commodities Communication Community Compassion Compliments Composition Confidence Conflict Conformity Conscience Conservatism Constitution Cooking Copyright Corruption Country Courage Creation Crime Criticism Critics Culture Curiosity Cursing Dance Dancing Darkness Daughters Death Death And Dying Deception Decisions Defeat Democracy Design Desire Determination Devil Devotion Difficulty Dignity Disappointment Diversity Divorce Dogs Doubt Dreads Dreams Drinking Drunkenness Duty Dying Earth Eating Economics Education Effort Elections Emotions Encouragement Enemies Energy Enlightenment Enthusiasm Entrepreneurship Environment Envy Epic Eternity Ethics Evidence Evil Evolution Excuses Exercise Experience Eyes Failing Failure Family Fashion Fathers Fear Fear Of Death Feelings Fighting Finding Yourself Fitness Flattery Flight Flowers Focus Food Forgiveness Freaks Free Speech Freedom Freedom And Liberty Friends Friendship Fun Funeral Funny Future Gardens Genius Getting Old Getting Older Giving Giving Up Goals God Gold Good Deeds Good Times Gossip Grace Graduation Gratitude Greatness Greed Grief Grieving Growing Old Growing Up Growth Guns Habits Happiness Happy Hard Times Hard Work Hate Healing Health Heart Heaven Heaven And Hell Hell Hilarious Hills Hinduism History Holiday Home Honesty Honor Horses House Human Nature Humanity Humility Hunger Hunting Hurt Hypocrisy Ignorance Imagination Impulse Independence Individuality Innovation Insanity Inspiration Inspirational Inspiring Integrity Intelligence Irony Journalism Journey Joy Judgement Judging Judgment Jury Justice Killing Kindness Knowledge Labor Language Laughter Law Of Attraction Lawyers Laziness Leadership Learning Liars Liberty Libraries Life Life And Death Life And Love Lifetime Listening Literature Live Life Loneliness Losing Loss Love Loyalty Luck Lying Madness Mankind Manners Marriage Math Meaning Of Life Memorial Day Memories Military Millionaire Miracles Mistakes Moderation Modesty Mom Monarchy Money Monument Moon Morality Morning Motherhood Mothers Motivation Motivational Mountain Music Nationalism Nature Neighbors Never Giving Up New Baby New Year Office Old Age Opinions Opportunity Optimism Originality Pain Parenting Parents Parties Passion Past Patriotism Patriots Peace Perception Perfection Perseverance Personality Pessimism Pets Philosophy Pirates Planning Pleasure Politicians Politics Positive Positive Thinking Positivity Poverty Power Praise Prayer Preaching Prejudice Pride Privacy Procrastination Profanity Progress Prohibition Property Prophecy Prosperity Public Speaking Purpose Quality Rage Rain Reading Reading Books Reality Recognition Recovery Regret Relationships Religion Religion And Politics Reputation Respect Responsibility Revolution Ridicule Risk Royalty Running Sad Sadness Sailing Saints Salvation Sanity Sarcasm Satan School Science Science And Religion Self Esteem Seven Shame Silence Simplicity Sin Sinners Skins Slavery Slaves Sleep Smoking Social Justice Society Soldiers Solitude Son Songs Sorrow Soul Spirituality Sports Spring Strength Struggle Students Study Stupidity Style Success Suffering Summer Sunday Sunshine Swearing Swimming Talent Taxes Teachers Teaching Temperance Temptation Terror Theology This Day Time Time Travel Tobacco Today Trade Tradition Tragedy Train Training Travel Trust Truth Twins Tyranny Undertaker Universe Vacation Values Vegetarian Violence Virtue Vision Vocation Voting Wagner Waiting Walking War Water Wealth Weddings Whiskey Wife Wine Winning Winter Wisdom Wit Work Working Together Worry Worship Writing Youth more...
  • There is no God, no universe, no human race, no earthly life, no heaven, no hell. It is all a dream, a grotesque and foolish dream. Nothing exists but you. And you are but a thought -a vagrant thought, a useless thought, a homeless thought, wandering forlorn among the empty eternities!

    The Mysterious Stranger ch. 11 (1916)
  • You can go to heaven if you want. I'd rather stay in Bermuda.

    Heaven  
  • It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions. Heaven is by favor; if it were by merit your dog would go in and you would stay out. Of all the creatures ever made he (man) is the most detestable. Of the entire brood, he is the only one...that possesses malice. He is the only creature that inflicts pain for sport, knowing it to be pain. The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to the other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that cannot.

  • The human being places sexual intercourse above all other joys, but leaves it out of his heaven.

    Heaven  
  • Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse.

    Heaven  
    "Mark Twain's notebook".
  • It is easier for a cannibal to enter the Kingdom of Heaven through the eye of a rich man's needle that it is for any other foreigner to read the terrible German script.

    Heaven  
    Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.149, Courier Corporation
  • Heaven is by favor; if it were by merit your dog would go in and you would stay out. Of all the creatures ever made (man) is the most detestable. Of the entire brood, he is the only one... that possesses malice. He is the only creature that inflicts pain for sport, knowing it to be pain.

  • Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it will not be allowed

    Funny   Humorous   Heaven  
    Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.382, Courier Corporation
  • It is believed by everyone that when he was in heaven he was stern, hard, resentful, jealous and cruel, but that when he came down to earth, he became the opposite... sweet, gentle merciful, forgiving. He was a thousand billion times crueler than ever he was in the Old Testament... Meek and gentle? By and by we will examine that popular sarcasm by the light of the hell which he invented.

  • If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.

    Funny   Humorous  
  • For instance, take this sample: he has imagined a heaven, and has left entirely out of it the supremest of all his delights, the one ecstasy that stands first and foremost in the heart of every individual of his race - and of ours - sexual intercourse!It is as if a lost and perishing person in a roasting desert should be told by a rescuer he might choose and have all longed-for things but one, and he should elect to leave out water!

    "Letters from the Earth" (1940)
  • I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

    Funny  
    Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.31, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.
  • It is easy to see that the inventor of the heaven did not originate the idea, but copied it from the show-ceremonies of some sorry little sovereign State up in the back settlements of the Orient somewhere.

    Ideas   Heaven  
    Mark Twain, Howard G. Baetzhold, Joseph B. Mccullough (1996). “The Bible According to Mark Twain”, p.225, Simon and Schuster
  • I do not see how astronomers can help feeling exquisitely insignificant, for every new page of the Book of the Heavens they open reveals to them more and more that the world we are so proud of is to the universe of careening globes as is one mosquito to the winged and hoofed flocks and herds that darken the air and populate the plains and forests of all the earth. If you killed the mosquito would it be missed? Verily, What is Man, that he should be considered of God?

    Book  
  • Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

    Funny  
    Mark Twain (2013). “Delphi Complete Works of Mark Twain (Illustrated)”, p.9262, Delphi Classics
  • What a man misses mostly in heaven is company.

    Funny  
    Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.35, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.
  • Man has imagined a heaven, and has left entirely out of it the supremest of all his delights...sexual intercourse!...His heaven is like himself: strange, interesting, astonishing, grotesque. I give you my word, it has not a single feature in it that he actually values.

  • When I take up one of Jane Austen's books ... I feel like a barkeep entering the kingdom of heaven. I know what his sensation would be and his private comments. He would not find the place to his taste, and he would probably say so.

    Book   Heaven  
    Mark Twain (1972). “Everyone's Mark Twain”
  • Heaven knows insanity was disreputable enough, long ago; but now that the lawyers have got to cutting every gallows rope and picking every prison lock with it, it is become a sneaking villainy that ought to hang and keep on hanging its sudden possessors until evil-doers should conclude that the safest plan was to never claim to have it until they came by it legitimately. The very calibre of the people the lawyers most frequently try to save by the insanity subterfuge ought to laugh the plea out of the courts, one would think.

  • The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.

    Mark Twain, William Dean Howells (1960). “Mark Twain-Howells Letters: The Correspondence of Samuel L. Clemens and William D. Howells, 1872-1910”, Belknap Press
  • I begin to see that a man's got to be in his own heaven to be happy.

    Heaven  
    Mark Twain (2003). “Tales of Wonder”, p.28, U of Nebraska Press
  • We may not doubt that society in heaven consists mainly of undesirable persons.

    Heaven  
    Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.449, Courier Corporation
  • If smoking cigars is not permitted in heaven, I won''t go.

    Heaven  
  • It is my heart-warmed and world-embracing Christmas hope and aspiration that all of us, the high, the low, the rich, the poor, the admired, the despised, the loved, the hated, the civilized, the savage (every man and brother of us all throughout the whole earth), may eventually be gathered together in a heaven of everlasting rest and peace and bliss, except the inventor of the telephone.

  • Every time I read a Jane Austen novel, I feel like a bartender at the gates of heaven.

    Heaven  
  • Heaven is the very last place to come to rest and don't you be afraid to bet on that!

    Heaven  
    Mark Twain (2013). “Extract from Captain Stormfield's Visit to Heaven”, p.20, Baen Publishing Enterprises
  • Travel has no longer any charm for me. I have seen all the foreign countries I want to except heaven & hell & I have only a vague curiosity about one of those.

    Heaven  
    Mark Twain, Michael Barry Frank, Robert Pack Browning, Lin Salamo, Frederick Anderson, Mark Twain (1980). “Mark Twain's Notebooks & Journals, Volume III: (1883-1891)”, p.574, Univ of California Press
  • It is plain that there is one moral law for heaven and another for the earth. The pulpit assures us that wherever we see suffering and sorrow, which we can relieve and do not, we sin, heavily. There was never yet a case of suffering or sorrow which God could not relieve. Does He sin then?

    Heaven  
    Mark Twain, John Sutton Tuckey (1980). “The Devil's Race-track: Mark Twain's Great Dark Writings : the Best from Which was the Dream? and Fables of Man”, p.21, Univ of California Press
  • Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

    Following the Equator ch. 10, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar" (1897)
  • Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

    Funny  
    Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.40, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.
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  • Did you find Mark Twain's interesting saying about Heaven? We will be glad if you share the quote with your friends on social networks! This page contains Author quotes from Author Mark Twain about Heaven collected since November 30, 1835! Come back to us again – we are constantly replenishing our collection of quotes so that you can always find inspiration by reading a quote from one or another author!
    Mark Twain quotes about: 4th Of July Acceptance Accidents Accomplishment Achievement Acting Adam And Eve Addiction Adventure Adversity Advertising Affairs Affection Age Aging Alcohol Ambition Angels Animal Cruelty Animal Rights Animals Anxiety Appearance Appreciation Arguing Army Arrogance Art Astronomy Atheism Atheist Attitude Austen Authority Babies Balance Beauty Beer Being Alone Being Thankful Belief Bible Bicycle Birds Birth Birthdays Bitterness Blame Blessings Bliss Boat Bones Books Bravery Brotherhood Brothers Business Cat And Dog Cats Censorship Certainty Challenges Change Character Charity Chastity Cheers Children Choices Christ Christianity Church Cigars Coffee College College Education Comedy Commodities Communication Community Compassion Compliments Composition Confidence Conflict Conformity Conscience Conservatism Constitution Cooking Copyright Corruption Country Courage Creation Crime Criticism Critics Culture Curiosity Cursing Dance Dancing Darkness Daughters Death Death And Dying Deception Decisions Defeat Democracy Design Desire Determination Devil Devotion Difficulty Dignity Disappointment Diversity Divorce Dogs Doubt Dreads Dreams Drinking Drunkenness Duty Dying Earth Eating Economics Education Effort Elections Emotions Encouragement Enemies Energy Enlightenment Enthusiasm Entrepreneurship Environment Envy Epic Eternity Ethics Evidence Evil Evolution Excuses Exercise Experience Eyes Failing Failure Family Fashion Fathers Fear Fear Of Death Feelings Fighting Finding Yourself Fitness Flattery Flight Flowers Focus Food Forgiveness Freaks Free Speech Freedom Freedom And Liberty Friends Friendship Fun Funeral Funny Future Gardens Genius Getting Old Getting Older Giving Giving Up Goals God Gold Good Deeds Good Times Gossip Grace Graduation Gratitude Greatness Greed Grief Grieving Growing Old Growing Up Growth Guns Habits Happiness Happy Hard Times Hard Work Hate Healing Health Heart Heaven Heaven And Hell Hell Hilarious Hills Hinduism History Holiday Home Honesty Honor Horses House Human Nature Humanity Humility Hunger Hunting Hurt Hypocrisy Ignorance Imagination Impulse Independence Individuality Innovation Insanity Inspiration Inspirational Inspiring Integrity Intelligence Irony Journalism Journey Joy Judgement Judging Judgment Jury Justice Killing Kindness Knowledge Labor Language Laughter Law Of Attraction Lawyers Laziness Leadership Learning Liars Liberty Libraries Life Life And Death Life And Love Lifetime Listening Literature Live Life Loneliness Losing Loss Love Loyalty Luck Lying Madness Mankind Manners Marriage Math Meaning Of Life Memorial Day Memories Military Millionaire Miracles Mistakes Moderation Modesty Mom Monarchy Money Monument Moon Morality Morning Motherhood Mothers Motivation Motivational Mountain Music Nationalism Nature Neighbors Never Giving Up New Baby New Year Office Old Age Opinions Opportunity Optimism Originality Pain Parenting Parents Parties Passion Past Patriotism Patriots Peace Perception Perfection Perseverance Personality Pessimism Pets Philosophy Pirates Planning Pleasure Politicians Politics Positive Positive Thinking Positivity Poverty Power Praise Prayer Preaching Prejudice Pride Privacy Procrastination Profanity Progress Prohibition Property Prophecy Prosperity Public Speaking Purpose Quality Rage Rain Reading Reading Books Reality Recognition Recovery Regret Relationships Religion Religion And Politics Reputation Respect Responsibility Revolution Ridicule Risk Royalty Running Sad Sadness Sailing Saints Salvation Sanity Sarcasm Satan School Science Science And Religion Self Esteem Seven Shame Silence Simplicity Sin Sinners Skins Slavery Slaves Sleep Smoking Social Justice Society Soldiers Solitude Son Songs Sorrow Soul Spirituality Sports Spring Strength Struggle Students Study Stupidity Style Success Suffering Summer Sunday Sunshine Swearing Swimming Talent Taxes Teachers Teaching Temperance Temptation Terror Theology This Day Time Time Travel Tobacco Today Trade Tradition Tragedy Train Training Travel Trust Truth Twins Tyranny Undertaker Universe Vacation Values Vegetarian Violence Virtue Vision Vocation Voting Wagner Waiting Walking War Water Wealth Weddings Whiskey Wife Wine Winning Winter Wisdom Wit Work Working Together Worry Worship Writing Youth