Michael Kimmel Quotes
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We have the data to prove to men that gender equality is not a zero-sum game, but a win-win.
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Many guys see relationships with women as a zero-sum game: If she wins, he loses. Marriage is the ultimate contest: Her job is to get him to capitulate to marriage. So many men see marriage as the "end of freedom," the end of boyhood. That's why bachelor parties are supposed to revel in that boyish irresponsibility "one last time." So many guys figure, "Why rush into something that means basically that you'll be a prisoner forever?"
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Young men are eager to "hook up" with women. And many say they have very good female friends. But some of the emotions circulating among guys make it difficult to form and sustain healthy relationships.
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White men in Europe and the US are the beneficiaries of the single greatest affirmative action program in the history of the world; it is called the history of the world.
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Ironically, survey after survey shows that married men are happier and healthier than unmarried men. Oh, and they also have more sex.
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My colleagues and I have done a survey of 13,000 students on more than 17 campuses, and we found that while sex in college has always been a bit more casual, "hooking up" has pretty much replaced other traditional forms of dating.
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The pull of Guyland reminds us that women cannot accomplish this transformation alone. In the book's final chapter I argue that just as men need to stand up, do the right thing and break the silence that perpetuates Guyland, so, too, do women need to support each other in resisting its pull.
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So guys who are otherwise sensitive and thoughtful say and do ridiculously dumb things to impress other guys. It's an enormous performance, but guys know that if they fail, they'll be ridiculed as sissies mercilessly.
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White men in North America are the beneficiaries of the single biggest affirmative action program in world history. It's called world history.
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And few hookups, if any, ever take place sober. And while wearing "beer goggles" may make people appear more attractive, it doesn't exactly make for sexual ecstasy! There's always been a difference between pleasure and scoring.
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I think there is another choice for women; it involves challenging Guyland and supporting each other.
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I believe that Americans are entitled. We're entitled to have a job that makes us feel like we have some dignity in our lives, that we live a life of integrity, and that we have good family relationships and our relationships with our friends and our families and our coworkers are enriching and meaningful.
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It's like what you might call Goldilocks' dilemma in the old fairy tale. Young men see women as "less than" or "better than," but never their equals. And studies indicate that equality is the best foundation for a healthy relationship.
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The privilege of privilege is that the terms of privilege are rendered invisible. It is a luxury not to have to think about race, or class, or gender. Only those marginalized by some category understand how powerful that category is when deployed against them.
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Guys constantly talk about pornography in two ways: as revenge and as reassurance. When you live in a world in which beautiful, sexy women are all around you, in the same classes, on the same athletic field, competing for the same jobs, then the pornographic world - the world in which women thrill to male sexual desire - reassures men that although they may feel "one down," they're still entitled to women's bodies.
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Many boyfriends or close male friends seem so different when they are by themselves, as opposed to when they are with a bunch of other guys. I think it has to do with the desperate desire on the part of guys to be seen as a "real guy" - a real man, a man's man.
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Playing along with Guyland may be the only way an individual woman might believe she has a chance at a social life or a relationship. Sometimes it gets pretty crazy, like a sorority requiring that all the pledges sleep with the members of the "brother" fraternity.
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Feminism loves men enough to expect them to act more honorably and actually believes them capable of doing so.
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The good news is that women's roles have changed so dramatically over the past three decades that women now expect to have careers, balance work and family, express their individual autonomy.
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Some of the worst elements of Guyland rest on the twin pillars of men's silence and women's compliance.
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Privilege is invisible to those who have it.
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