Milton Berle Quotes
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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
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It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
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Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
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One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
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If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
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My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.
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I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
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The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.
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The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.
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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
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A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
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He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.
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I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
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Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
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My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
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Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
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We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
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Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
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