Milton Jones Quotes
-
I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.
→ -
About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.
→ -
The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.
→ -
Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.
→ -
I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used to make me play Russian roulette but force-feeding me a packet of Revels.
→ -
The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.
→ -
I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!
→ -
If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.
→ -
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
→ -
Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, "Gday Gday how you doing no worries next".
→ -
Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.
→ -
I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.
→ -
Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.
→ -
A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!
→ -
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
→ -
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better
→ -
Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.
→ -
Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.
→ -
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
→ -
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
→ -
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.
→ -
Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.
→ -
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.
→ -
You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.
→ -
Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.
→ -
My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.
→ -
My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.
→ -
I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.
→ -
It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.
→ -
When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.
→
Related Authors
-
Stewart Francis Comedian -
Ed Byrne Comedian -
Sean Lock Comedian -
Tim Vine Writer -
Russell Howard Comedian -
Frankie Boyle Comedian -
Nina Conti Actress -
Gary Delaney Stand-up comedian -
Dara O Briain Stand-up comedian -
Katherine Ryan Comedian
Popular Topics
- Hybrid Cars
- Sweater Vests
- Emerging
- Entirety
- Giving And Receiving
- Accusation
- Armed Forces Day
- Steely Dan
- I Believe In You
- Grenada
- Key To Happiness
- Admire You
- Performance Art
- Get Involved
- Cuts And Bruises
- Graduation Ceremony
- Law Enforcement
- Going On Holiday
- Seeing Is Believing
- Inspiring Independence Day