Mitch Hedberg Quotes

On this page you can find the TOP of Mitch Hedberg's best quotes! We hope you will find some sayings from Comedian Mitch Hedberg's in our collection, which will inspire you to new achievements! There are currently 384 quotes on this page collected since February 24, 1968! Share our collection of quotes with your friends on social media so that they can find something to inspire them!
  • If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!"

    Funny   Humor  
  • People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.

    "Live album: "Mitch All Together"". December 9, 2003.
  • I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

    Funny   Humor  
  • My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."

    Funny   Humor  
    "Strategic Grill Locations". 1999.
  • Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

    Funny   Humor  
  • I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!

  • It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where's my wallet But, hey this song is funky.

    Funny  
  • Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast.

    Funny   Humor  
  • My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

    Funny   Humor  
    "Mitch All Together". Live album by Mitch Hedberg, www.theguardian.com. December 9, 2003.
  • I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

    Funny  
  • I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.

    Funny   Humor  
    "Strategic Grill Locations". Live Album by Mitch Hedberg, September 7, 1999.
  • This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.

    Funny  
    "Strategic Grill Locations". Comedy album by Mitch Hedberg, 1999.
  • I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed."

    Funny   Humor  
  • It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

    Funny   Humor  
  • This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard. The mailman will get shot, the envelope will not seal, the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. The final payment must be made in wampum.

    Funny   Humor  
  • My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.

    Funny  
  • I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys."

    Funny   Humor  
  • I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

    Funny   Humor  
  • How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.

    Funny   Humor  
  • Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

    Funny   Humor  
  • I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

    Funny   Humor  
  • An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.

    "Live album: "Mitch All Together"". December 9, 2003.
  • When you start out in comedy, or probably in a lot of things, you want it to happen fast. You don't want to see yourself having to do this for seven years before you start to get some feedback.

    Source: www.comedymoontower.com
  • Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

    Funny  
  • Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

    Funny   Humor  
  • I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.

    Funny   Humor  
  • I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying.

  • I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize". Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.

    Funny   Humor  
  • You got to always take advantage of getting your room cleaned. You may think it's nice not to have anybody in your room, like your privacy's not being invaded. But there's nothing like walking back into a clean room. You've got to remember that.

  • I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.

    Funny  
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  • We hope you have found the saying you were looking for in our collection! At the moment, we have collected 384 quotes from the Comedian Mitch Hedberg, starting from February 24, 1968! We periodically replenish our collection so that visitors of our website can always find inspirational quotes by authors from all over the world! Come back to us again!

    Mitch Hedberg

    • Born: February 24, 1968
    • Died: March 29, 2005
    • Occupation: Comedian