Noel Fielding Quotes
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I've had a really weird day, some joker threw bamboo in the penguin enclosure. They all vaulted out. It was a nightmare, it took me all morning to get them back in.
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Englishmen do like to get in a dress, any excuse.
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Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them.
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When you're famous you can't go to Topshop. Even when I disguise myself in a moustache, baseball cap, sunglasses - the full Madonna kit - it doesn't work: my stupid face is too big.
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Imagine that, a poncho sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness.
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I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try it on with me more than I'm comfortable with. It's strange, because I think I look like a troll wearing a woman's wig backwards.
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Goth Juice... The most powerful hairspray known to man. Made from the tears of Robert Smith.
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Things are different in the fantasy world Towels are different in the fantasy world Shows are different in the fantasy world Dancing's different in the fantasy world Unicorns No, they're the same Everything's different in the fantasy world
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You must have stuck a finger up your arse at least once.
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When I was 13 I told my dad I'd rather kill myself than do an ordinary job. He vaguely muttered something about how I'd need to earn a living somehow, but he's been totally behind me, forking out money he didn't really have to send me to university. Every other comedian I've met had to fight their parents to be allowed to do this but mine have been brilliant.
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I don't really like jokes in a way. I mean gags are fine but I like weird moments where what you have isn't really a joke, just tiny moments.
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I don't think I'd have done comedy if I was born eighty years ago I'd have been a lord. Shooting people that were on my land With a wig, yeah. And some crisps.
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When I was 14, I saw someone getting their face and wrists slashed with a knife in a pub in Catford. Nobody lifted a finger. That's when I realised that violence wasn't funny. At all.
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It's impossible to be unhappy while wearing a poncho!
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When I was a little kid I always wanted to be ginger. My best friend was ginger and he was pretty cool.
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When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me.
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My nan used to look after me in the summer holidays and she had a cat with one eye. It used to walk into walls and tables. I used to think it was hilarious. It was a slapstick cat.
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When I was a little kid I wanted to be Face. I thought, cos I had blond hair and he did too, that when I grew up I'd look like him.
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I did work in a bakery for one day. But the boss went off and when he came back I was lying on the floor eating cakes.
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There's not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo.
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I'd have to do unannounced gigs because your fans will laugh at everything because they know what you do already. What you really want is a neutral audience that isn't too harsh - a good comedy crowd - but that don't know necessarily what you're doing.
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I'm going to name drop like an idiot now, but Bono rang me up once, right? I don't know how he got my number, but I, ever so stupidly, and obviously thought it was one of my mates mocking about. So I was like, "Yeah, whatever." And it was him, but I even went to him, "That's not even a good Irish accent!"
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Some people have a fear of being on stage. I have a fear of coming off it.
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You can't just go gay, its not like buying a ladder.
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When I was three or four, I was really good at drawing and painting, and everyone used to say, "You're going to go to art college." I didn't really know what that meant.
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It's very difficult once you've been on telly because people know what you do. They give you a little bit of grace but then they're harsher if you're not funny, so you have to be funny.
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I don't pick stuff up, I knock stuff down!
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You know the black bits in bananas? Are they tarantulas' eggs?
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I don't hate Coldplay to be cool I genuinely hate Coldplay.
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If you're going to be a good standup, or a successful standup, or a standup who can work for money, you have to eliminate the possibility of dying quickly.
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