Richard Jeni Quotes

On this page you can find the TOP of Richard Jeni's best quotes! We hope you will find some sayings from Comedian Richard Jeni's in our collection, which will inspire you to new achievements! There are currently 54 quotes on this page collected since April 14, 1957! Share our collection of quotes with your friends on social media so that they can find something to inspire them!
All quotes by Richard Jeni: Country War more...
  • I'm catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it's a bird!

  • Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

  • America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!

  • In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

  • Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.

  • Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?

  • Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

  • That's why you have to like a guy like Charles Manson. Say what you will about Manson - he's one of the only people with the decency to look like a dangerous maniac the first time you meet him.

  • Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.

  • Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

  • I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!

  • We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

  • There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.

  • The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

  • The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'

  • Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

  • Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!

    "A Big, Steaming Pile Of Me". Documentary, Comedy, 2005.
  • When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion.

  • Never fry bacon when you're naked.

  • I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.

  • I don't get that - people going to war over religion. I don't know, I could see going to war over justice or democracy or even revenge. But if you're going to war over religion, now you're just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.

    "Comedy Central Presents: Richard Jeni". Documentary, Comedy, www.cc.com. May 05, 2002.
  • Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.

    "A Big, Steaming Pile Of Me". Documentary, Comedy, 2005.
  • It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!

  • If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

  • In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

  • Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.

  • I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

  • I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'

    "A few words from Richard Jeni". www.cnn.com. March 12, 2007.
  • In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

  • Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.

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  • We hope you have found the saying you were looking for in our collection! At the moment, we have collected 54 quotes from the Comedian Richard Jeni, starting from April 14, 1957! We periodically replenish our collection so that visitors of our website can always find inspirational quotes by authors from all over the world! Come back to us again!
    Richard Jeni quotes about: Country War