Rita Rudner Quotes
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My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
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I was going with someone for a few years, but we broke up. It was one of those things. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.
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Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
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The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.
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Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.
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I loved my mother very much, but she was not a good cook. Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. In our house Thanksgiving was a time for sorrow.
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I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.
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I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
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Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.
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Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
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My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
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Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it, and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?
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I knew so little about money I used to sign my check, "Love, Rita."
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Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
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Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
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Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.
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My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take
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I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
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I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup.
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Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.
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I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.'
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One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on brown envelopes.
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I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.
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Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
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Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now.
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I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.
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My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
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All men would still really like to own a train set.
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I don't look back. I'm like a shark - I only look forward.
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Never take candy from strangers.
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