Stephen Colbert Quotes
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A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?
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The interesting thing about fake news and fake media is that it's a heresy against reality. Again, as a Catholic, I was taught that the greatest sin was heresy. Because not only are you a sinner, you are proselytizing and inviting other people into your sinful state through your heresy. You're a recruiter for your own fallen state. Donald Trump is a heretic against reality. Basically, he's lying for sport. He's inviting people into his heresy that there is no objective reality.
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If someone spreads hate then they're not your religious leader.
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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy.
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There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
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I'm fascinated that people drawn to cults want to know what to do. And people want to know what to think. And people want to know how to feel. Not just what to feel but how to feel.
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Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob.
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I do my show half-hour a night four nights a week. I haven't seen my kids in 18 months, and I am losing calcium in my bones. Doctors say I should stop. I'm not going to.
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This is a crucial time in the fight for corporate civil rights. Just look at the hateful signs at Occupy Wallstreet: 'Corporations Are Not People!' Wow, I thought we were past the point in this country where some people aren't people just because they have different color skin or different religion or were born in a lawyer's office, only exist on paper, have no soul and can never die.
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In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.'
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Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
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Now you'll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any.
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Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.
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There is a residual sense for me, having grown up in the early '70s, that I did not know I had, which was a sense that the military are different than I. Because there was such a divide between the military world - and there still is, because there's no draft - and the civilian world is one of the rotten harvests of the Vietnam War, was this sort of bifurcation of America in that way.
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I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
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I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of.
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Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion.
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Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
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Thinking that other people might be better than you is what makes you Canadian, not American.
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For me, improvisation is about working with a partner. That is much easier to do in the interview, because you have a sounding board.
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I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.
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I believe that people, more often than not, act with the best possible intentions. And when they don't, that's funny to me. That's why comedy ends up seeming cynical, because you're talking about the gap between what people say and what they do.
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I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!
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I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.
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I don't think anybody can with a straight face say that the Russians did not set out to influence our election, and they did so.
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If someone does offer you a job, say 'yes.' You can always quit later. Then at least you'll be one of the unemployed as opposed to one of the never-employed. Nothing looks worse on a resume than nothing.
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What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!
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Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.
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It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.
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Warning, I may contain more than a trace amount of nut.
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