Tim Vine Quotes
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.
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My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
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So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke
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I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
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