W. C. Fields Quotes About Funny
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Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.
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If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
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I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck
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My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
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I like children - fried.
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Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
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I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
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What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?
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After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.
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Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
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Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.
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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
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I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.
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I drink therefore I am.
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