Zach Galifianakis Quotes
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If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.
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I kind of put myself out there as is. I'm a quiet person. I don't know if that's surprising. I'm a Pilates junkie.
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When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.
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I love playing a curmudgeon. I just love playing a sour guy.
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I have never been much of a groomer. I take baths a lot, but I don't wear deodorant. I don't have to. I have a miraculous body scent. I've had women smell me and say that should be bottled. I would advise guys to lay off the Drakkar, because the cavemen weren't wearing it. They might have been putting mint leaves on their balls, but your scent is grown naturally. I have really good dating advice.
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I think if you come out to California trying to be an actor, it's pretty hard. There's desperation. A lot of people are desperate, and a lot of people are clueless, including me. It's hard to try to figure it out. I've never told you, but I have head shots that if you saw them... they're so terrible! It's so embarrassing.
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My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don't really do a character thing in stand-up. It's just a bunch of sentences that are supposed to be funny.
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I'm not cynical when it comes to things that are important. I'm cynical about pop culture and all that horseshit.
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The whole thing about working in front of the camera is to make people laugh when they're not supposed to.
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Reciting lines is hard; making stuff up is much, much easier.
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I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.
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I'm terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me. I'm a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon. There's nothing you can do except make light of it.
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There's more to life than being an actor in a Hollywood movie. I'm not going to adapt my life after that existence, where a lot of people do. And they get the publicist, and they get all that stuff, and it becomes them. I think it's a stupid way to live your life. A really dumb way to live your life.
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Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?
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Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.
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I know my face is turning red. I don't want you to interpret it as being embarrassed. It's rage. The color of my face is rage.
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That's one of the great things about comedy: we can - and should - say the things that other people aren't supposed to say. If we didn't do that, if we didn't push against those limits, we'd just be standing around onstage and yelling.
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I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed.
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At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
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I just try to keep myself a traditionalist. I liked being an underground comic doing my thing. I want to maintain that. I just do.
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I think sadness and anger are really fertile ground for comedy. No one is really interested in a happy person doing comedy.
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You're not supposed to be accepting trophies. You're supposed to be in the back being mad that people are getting trophies.
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My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.
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I've always wanted to have a Greek sitcom called Olive Lucy.
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A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong.
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Tigers love pepper...they hate cinnamon.
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Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.
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I don't want my personal life to change. I don't understand why people strive for fame. I know it's ironic for me to be saying this, but this will be the last one I do.
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Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?
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You know, sometimes if you work - if you do a lot of takes and you work long hours, for me, at least, there is a delirium that starts kicking in on the fifteenth hour, and that can help. Below the just thirteenth hour is where I have a concern, because everybody's so tired.
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