Joan Rivers Quotes About Hillarious
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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
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Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
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I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.
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She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.
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She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "pick up, I know you're there."
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All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
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I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
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Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.
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She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.
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She's so fat, she's my two best friends.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'
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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.
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