Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
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Economy is essential to all good art.
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I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.
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A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.
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Sex to save the friendship? Well if we have to we have to.
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[I like to] engage with funny people, or weird people, or, you know, kind of off people. [Whereas when I meet] anybody who's ... normal ... I'm not curious, I'm not interested.
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I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you can sprinkle that on, that's your answer.
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See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.
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If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
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People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
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I am a very organized person. I get up at 6:15 a.m., the kids get up at 6:45 a.m., and so I get up and get it in. I’m addicted to the high function. To me it’s a work thing - if you meditate, you can get so much work done. I always say to people you know how about three nights a year you get a good night sleep? You can have it every day with meditation.
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I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it's a musical.
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Yeah, like Bizarro Superman, Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down, down is up, he says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives.
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What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big. That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later.
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I have a problem with that silver medal. It's like, 'Congratulation s, you almost won. Of all the losers, you're the number one loser. No one lost ahead of you.'
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When you've been in the business 5-years, as a person, it's like you're 5-years old - like a child. 10-years and you're 10-years old, 20... Etcetera. That's how I measure maturity in this industry.
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I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.
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What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
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People don't think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.
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Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
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Everything is in how you are going to handle it. As a lifelong nightclub comic, I'm ready to handle whatever I have to handle.
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If someone's lying, are their pants really on fire
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I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it.
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I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.
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I hate the waiting room. Because it's called the waiting room, there's no chance of not waiting. It's built, designed, and intended for waiting. Why would they take you right away when they've got this room all set up?
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If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
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If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.
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Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.
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I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.
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Pay attention; don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
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Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?
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