Eugene Mirman Quotes
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I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash bag, like a dark trash bag, with eye holes that say "nihilism?" You'd be curious. What's underneath that? Is it perfect? Or is it broken?
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Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
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I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?
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Some tips for life: 1.Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2.Be kind to people. 3.Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead 4.In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5.Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls.
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I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with them where they'd come sometime between summer solstice and winter solstice and I would wait.
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The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I'm sure now there'd be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.
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You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
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A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.
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I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
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Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.
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Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?
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For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually, I was like, Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.
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It's important to prepare audience for the worst in life. People come to forget their problems, and it's my job, right before I leave, to go, "Don't forget: You're going through a divorce and there's a recession." It's always good to end on a pensive note.
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You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.
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I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.
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One of the things that's funniest about the entertainment industry and comedy is that people go 'Oh, you're great, but I don't know what to do with you.' The great thing about the Internet is that nobody has to figure out what to do with you. You can figure out what to do with you, and you can say, 'I made this thing, and I'm going to put it out, and now if people want to come see me and buy things from me they can.'
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I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.
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Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
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You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.
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There's something therapeutic about connecting with an audience - when there's something really sort of odd or silly that you think is funny, and conveying it to an audience.
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You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?
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I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.
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It's easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to do that. Not because it's easy, but for a different reason, which I would reveal, if your mind was ready to handle it, which it isn't, which is also very convenient for me.
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Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.
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Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.
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Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.
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Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.
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I'm fascinated by the logic that leads to something.
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I was in Vancouver, and I was in what I was told was the poorest neighborhood in North America - which I find very hard to believe because has anyone here ever been to Detroit?
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Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
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