Fred Allen Quotes About Funny
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He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.
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A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.
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I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
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I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
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During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.
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If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.
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Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.
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A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
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Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.
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A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.
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All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.
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My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
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An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
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Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
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The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.
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Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
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It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
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The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.
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Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
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If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
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A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
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Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.
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Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
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She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.
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Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.
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The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.
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You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
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I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
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