Jack Benny Quotes
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Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation.
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When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.
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I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.
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Everything good that happened to me happened by accident.
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I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse.
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I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.
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I'm happy to be making my first appearance on air professionally. By that I mean I'm finally getting paid, which I know will be a great relief to my creditors.
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I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.
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The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.
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When I give concerts, the tickets sell for five dollars to one hundred dollars, but for my concerts the five-dollar seats are down in front... the further back you go, the more you have to pay. The hundred dollar seats are the last two rows, and those tickets go like hotcakes! In fact, if you pay two hundred dollars you don't have to come at all.
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There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.
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I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me.
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Try to save something while your salary is small; it's impossible to save after you begin to earn more.
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I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
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Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
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Modesty is my best quality.
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How do I get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. Practice. Practice.
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I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.
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As you may or may not know, in keeping with the high-class tone of Beverly Hills, our police force is probably the most snobbish group of gendarmes in the world. It is said that the Beverly Hills Police Department is so fancy that it has an unlisted number.
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My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
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No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.
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I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
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I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.
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I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.
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Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
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Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
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A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.
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Gags die, humor doesn't.
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I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.
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Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
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