Sarah Silverman Quotes About Funny
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I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.
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And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major to arts and sciences, and my dad cut a deal with me: He said if I'd quit school he'd pay my rent for the next three years, as if I were in school.
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The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.
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I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.
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I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.
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And we're just all made of molecules and we're hurtling through space right now.
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I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.
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Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a dream, too.
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Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.
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Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.
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People are always introducing me as Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne. I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am — I'm white!
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I gave him a compliment! All right, I told him he probably would've made, like, a really expensive slave in the, like, in the olden-timey days.
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But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.
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She, uh, came out of the closet recently, my niece. Um... She announced to the family that she's a lesbian and... She's seven, did I mention that? And, uh, I don't even know if she knows what a lesbian is, but I support her completely. And, uh... I'll tell you what's heartbreaking. My sister punished her for it. Can you believe that? No pussy for a week. Which to us may not sound like... But when you're seven, you know, a week is a long time.
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Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.
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I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece.
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I'll be back. I'll be black. I'll be white black.
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I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.
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I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.
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Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.
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If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we can send everybody with AIDS to the moon.
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When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.
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I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games.
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You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.
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I don't wanna be labeled as straight or labeled as gay. I just want people to look at me and see me as white.
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I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?
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I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty.
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Look at the people who are kind of the funniest cultures, they're the cultures of the people who have been the most oppressed, black people and Jews. Not that they're the only funny people, but culturally, it comes from the pain, you know?
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I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.
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I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".
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