Demetri Martin Quotes
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I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
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Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
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I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, "Cool, that one works".
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Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?
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It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.
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I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
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Most stick people are black.
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I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I'm calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.
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I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.
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To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.
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The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
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A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
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I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.
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I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.
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In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.
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The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn't it?
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A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you
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Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.
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I don't know if I'll ever be a master at anything, but I think that's a mistake for me personally. I don't know how much it's about the journey, but it's more about the process.
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The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.
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I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.
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Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.
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Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American.
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A Rubik's cube is equal to a drag queen. It's really colorful, but I don't wanna do it.
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The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
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Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
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Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, Get me started.
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It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
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People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.
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A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
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