Emo Philips Quotes
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I've been at stand-up 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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I'm very religious, you know. Now, OK, if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday, read the bible faithfully, and I listen to Debbie Boone, umm, I'm not religious in that sense... But if by 'religious' you mean that I love others and try to help them whenever possible... Again, no. But if by 'religious' you mean that I like to eat coleslaw... Yeah, OK, OK!
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is talking to some handsome 24-year-old man, I'll say, "Okay, who's the emperor after Caligula? What chief mistake did Marcus Aurelius make in choosing a successor?" He'll just look like an idiot. She'll just gravitate toward me, I'm thinking. It works in Detroit.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.
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Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
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I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It's an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.
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