Henny Youngman Quotes
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My wife has a black belt in shopping.
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I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
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Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
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If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
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I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.
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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
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A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks! and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, C-C-C-Come in?
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I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.
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The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"
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I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.
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We aim to please... You aim too, please.
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
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A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
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The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"
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Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
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I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.
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There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
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When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.
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I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.
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A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. The man says, Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. I'm sorry, he's on vacation. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's on a big case, not available for a week. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's playing golf today. Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Speaking.
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I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"
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Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"
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When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing.
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!
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