Zach Galifianakis Quotes About Funny
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When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.
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I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.
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Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?
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Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.
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At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
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My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.
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Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.
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Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?
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I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.
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I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
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I call my balls the bush twins.
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I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!
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You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.
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I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.
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I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.
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The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."
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I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.
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Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.
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I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.
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You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.
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You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.
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Hookers don't like to snuggle.
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Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'
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You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
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My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.
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I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.
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Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.
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I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.
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Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"
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My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.
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