Tim Vine Quotes About Funny
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
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The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
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I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.
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So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
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So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
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I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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