Bill Engvall Quotes
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My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that ... discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was ... gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!"
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How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?
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One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin' a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here's your sign.
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He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of course it's a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going "there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot."
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I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.
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I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
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You can't climb a tile wall.
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I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.
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I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'
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That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men
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I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn't aware of my destiny.
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I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
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It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.
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Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn't resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.
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Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
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I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.
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If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
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In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
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I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.
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I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that.
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As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!"
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My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says It looks and tastes like real bacon! No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like!
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Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person.
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My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.
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Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".
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Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign.
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This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.
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If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
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I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy." Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.
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I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."
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